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Weekend rolled around and Sundays is Mystery! night, so no horror movie watching for me tonight. So to make it up for you I thought I'd share this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOp3bZxCdKA

I laughed so hard I cried.

Horror Movie Classics VII

I feel like I'm dragging through this project...seems like I should have thought it out more when I started.

But far be it for me to complain, I made you a promise and by God I'm gonna stick to it!!!

So...today's film is...Dementia 13.

Interesting note here...this was Francis Ford Coppola's first directorial debut. Thank God they gave him a second chance.

Now don't get me wrong, the beginning starts out well. You have the resident eye candy Louise out in a row boat with her husband.



Hubby tells her she out of the family will and then he promptly dies from a heart attack. (How fortunate for dear old Louise!)

So she does what any loving wife would do, she dumps the body overboard. She then flies over the Atlantic to the family home in Ireland in a desperate attempt to make up with dear old 'mother in law'. The idea is to get back in good with the fam so mom will reconsider adding her back to the will while her husband is 'away on business.'

So once we get to the family estate the film starts playing by the numbers.

For example, you have-

Insane mother - check
Mysterious death of a daughter long ago - check
Creepy brother in law - check
Lot's of moody Gothic location filming - check
Plot...oh...well is that really necessary?

Half way through the story gets kinda muddled. So what's any self respecting young flimmaker to do?

Why you simply bring out the axe wielding manic to chase everyone around for the last twenty minutes of the film.

Oh don't get my wrong, you get some pretty gory scenes at this point. And I know you're saying, "Well this would be a good thing right Pig?"

Let me tell you, no matter how much blood you throw at a film, if the ending is tacked on because the film is running slow that's not helping that's making things worse.

Eh...

Over all not as bad as "Nightmare Castle" - but not as good as "Horror Hotel".

So where does that leave us?

Well I was going to give it two and a half skulls...but...

I couldn't find a photo of two and a half skulls so I'm giving "Dementia 13"

Two skulls


and a Lemur eating natchos and drinking beer while watching what I assume is "Night of The Living Dead".

At least I think that's a lemur...

Horror Movie Classics VI

Now I'm breaking the rules a bit here, as I did not watch today's film today - but that's only because I've already seen it. Numerous times.

Today's film is...

Night of The Living Dead.



In the interest of full discloser I do have to admit that I've got a thing for zombies. So I will try to unbiased in this review...

Oh who am I kidding? I LOVE THIS FILM!!!

It's not just that it's the first in Romeros four part series, it's that it changed the way zombie films were done. It changed the way we thought about zombies.

Up to 1968 - the zombie was a creature created via voodoo. If you were going to face a zombie it was going to be in some place like Haiti and even then it was only going to be one or two of them.

But this film chucked all that out the window and here was a whole society turned in to flesh eating undead. How freaking cool is that?!



But here is where the film really shines. Instead of showing massive cities under seige, the director placed a group of people in a small farmhouse and lets the action proceed from there. The tension ratchets up as wave upon wave of undead come after them.

Plus it's got everything...incest, necrophelia, cannibialsim. Horror to the max.



You know deep down there is no good way for this to end, and that's exactly what you get. In a Hollywood where everything is given to a focus group that begs for a 'happy ending' you've gotta ask yourself - How can there be a happy ending in a zombie flick?

The answer - if you're honest. There can't be a happy ending, and that's exactly what you get with "Night of the Living Dead." The realistic ending that shows you how much the end of the world will hurt when it gets here.

2012 anyone?

Oh yeah...as if you needed to ask - Five out of Five Skulls

Horror Movie Classics V

OK Folks we're halfway through the set and today do we have a treat for you...

Horror Hotel



This little gem comes to us from the Hammer Studios in England. Now for those of you who don't know about the Hammer Studios they were a British Film powerhouse in the 1950s through the 1970s. They specialized in horror, sci-fi and thriller pics. They were NOT famous for films where people get killed with hammers (as my friend Lauren asked me today).

Horror Hotel has a simple little plot.

Christopher Lee is a professor in America specializing in the witches of New England. He sends a female student interested in the topic to a small remote town to do some research. But the hotel in which she stays is run by a...wait for it...COVEN OF WITCHES!!!

Dun-dun-dun...

What I liked about the film was the exterior shots of the village and the surround countryside. Filmed in a studio, all they did was fog the hell out of everything and use shadow. Very cool look.



The acting was good. The hipsters in their cool early sixties ties were good. Over all it was a nice little film, with a plot that made sense and a climax that didn't let me down.

Hell...

I'd even watch this one again.

Four out of Five Skulls.

Horror Movie Classics IV

Today's Film is...drum roll please...

Nightmare Castle!



So far we have a winner! This is the film that will dethrone "The Terror" as the worst movie I've seen in the set so far.

The plot?

Crazy scientist dude catches his wife and her lover 'getting it on' in the greenhouse. (I couldn't figure out why the two met in her bedroom and then had to go downstairs to find some rotten old leaves on which to 'get jiggy with it').

Crazy scientist dude tortures wife and lover before killing them...but wait! Just before she dies wife says she had left her family fortune to her sister whom is in an insane asylum and whom she hates.

Crazy scientist dude marries the sister before moving her into the dark brooding castle. Slowly he tries to drive her mad while he lurks around with his maid (really his wife whom he is keeping alive by giving her blood transfusions from the people he kills).

Ok - so what's the problem?

Well first - someone needed to invest in some lighting. Half the time I couldn't even see what was going on it was so dark. That's not what I call atmosphere, that's just frustrating. The pace was slow and some things just didn't make any damn sense.

For example: When crazy scientist dude disposes of the bodies he burns them and places their ashes in a pot. At the beginning of the movie the characters make a big deal out of the 'fleshy plant' growing from it. Then...THEY DON'T MENTION THE DAMN THING AGAIN!!!

But here's my favorite, in the climax the ghosts of those killed are running around and the one good guy (the doctor from the asylum) conveniently finds a glass box filled with murky water and THE HEARTS OF THE TWO PEOPLE WHO HAD BEEN MURDERED!

At this point I'm like 'What The Hell? Where did this come from?'

So the ghost kills the scientist and his wife/maid, the good guy throws the hearts in the fireplace before running from the castle with the crazy girl and BOOM - you've got yourself an ending.

Blah.

I was going to give this no skulls - but I'm gonna give it one for two reasons.

First...Helga Line was in it and she's quite easy on the eyes.



and second...for this scene



So...one skull (begrudgingly)

Horror Movie Classics Part III

Today we have a little film I was very excited to watch.

The Last Man on Earth!



The reason I was so excited to see this film is because it's based off of one of my all time favorite novels - "I am Legend" by Richard Matheson. There have been two other attempts to make this novel into a film. After "The Last Man on Earth!" there was "The Omega Man" in 1971



and then "I am Legend" in 2007.



So how does the original compare?

Well, it's closest to the book. I think that's because it was the only version where Matheson was actually involved with the script.

I love movies about the end of the world. The beginning of "The Omega Man" is great at this, I even enjoyed watching Will Smith walk around an empty New York in the new version. The biggest problem with "The Last Man on Earth" is the lack of these types of scenes. Vincent Price does visit the burn pits where the bodies were dumped before society completely went down the crapper, which was cool. But beyond that, well...the small budget really hurts this film.

At first you can tell by the buildings in the background that this film was not made in America, after a little research I found they filmed it in Rome. Which to me was just plain weird. When you read the book you have to visualize it as one of those old black and white 'Twilight Zone' episodes filmed in an abandoned LA of the mid-1950s. It helps. But this film was just off somehow.

Is it good? Yeah, it's better than the others. The ending is the closest and doesn't suffer from the pretentious ending that plagues "The Omega Man". Vincent Price is not a good choice as Robert Neville (in this film called Dr. Robert Morgan) - but it does address his depression which the other films don't really seem to capture. If you have a free afternoon with nothing better to do and this comes on television I would recommend you give it a chance. But really what you should do instead is go to the library and check the book out and read it yourself.



It's a short novel and will take just as long to read as it would to watch the film.

Three out of Five Skulls - (For a decent attempt at a fantastic novel)

Horror Movie Classics Part II

OK - Today's film will be...

The House on Haunted Hill!



Now for those of you under a certain age...do not get this confused with the 1999 remake of the same name.

In this film you have Vincent Price in top form as the millionare who offers - wait for it...a whopping $10,000 to a group of strangers to spend the night in a 'haunted house'. I'm guessing in 1959 this was a massive amount of money.

I love black and white films, and truth be told halfway through the flick I stopped looking at it as a horror movie and more as a mystery. (Which helped). It becomes pretty obvious early on that the 'haunted house' isn't really 'haunted' and it appears that Mr. Price is trying to pull something over on everyone.

There is a great part at the beginning where he and his forth wife (the first three died under bizarre circumstances) banter back and forth about how they would love to kill one another.



The party guests arrive - a chandelier falls and almost kills someone. Vince Price arrives and pours drinks for everyone, before they go on a tour of the house, visting all the places where people were murdered.

Then at one point all the party guests receive party favors in the form of small little caskets containing...GUNS!

Now as most of you know, handguns are probably the most ineffective item against evil spirits that can be thought of. However, if your intent is for everyone to run around in a panic shooting each other it's a great idea.

So Vincent Prices wife played by the very lovely Carol Ohmart is hung - people panic. All fingers point towards the evil Mr. Price.

There is a twist ending, a walking skeleton that forces Carol Ohmart into a pool of acid and Vincent Price gets the last line.



Over all that pacing was better than 'The Terror' and the plot made much more sense. In addition the whole 'paying people to spend the night in the haunted house' motif has been so overdone, but think of it this way. This is the film that started that motif, which means it must have made quite an impact at the time.

So...for Vincent Prices superb performance, the genuinely creepy scene where a female character turns around only to be confronted with a hidious old hag - teeth bared and hands like claws and the extra bonus of a PLOT! I give this film three out of five skulls.

Horror Movie Classics Part I

OK - dear friends, I'm back as promised.

By the way - the game download didn't work...arrrggg!

Still, that is not what I have on the agenda for today as my discussion topic.

Instead let me tell you a little bit about this purchase I made a couple of years ago. In the bargain bin at Best Buy was the 'Collectors Edition' of Horror Movie Classics.



Now I got this little gem for only $14.99 plus tax - and it came with count them with me...ten - that's right TEN classic horror films. That's roughly a dollar fifty per film.

And now you ask - was it worth it?

Well...

Here's what I'm gonna do.

And I want you to realize I'm doing this for the both of us - not just myself.

I'm gonna watch all these films this summer and review them for you. And if you're really fired up about watching one - and you can't find it on Netflix - I may be willing to loan you a copy.

So...

First Up!

The Terror!



So here is the 'plot' of this film in a nutshell.

You have a very, young Jack Nicholson (this is pre "Easy Rider" days). Who plays a French soldier lost on the beach. As I watched the film I could just imagine him starting his role with a very bad French accent and the director just finally saying, "Jack just play the role with your regular voice!"

Young Jack sees a beautiful woman who disappears as he passes out. When he comes to, some old witch woman is nursing him back to health. Her toady, some dude that dies in a really cool way (a bird pecks his eyes out half way through the film and he falls to his death from a cliff) - tells Young Jack the ghost woman can be found in some castle on top of a cliff.

Young Jack goes to investigate and this is where he finds Boris Karloff puttering around all alone with his lackey butler. There are a lot of scenes of people walking down big staircases, women in white walking through the mist of a graveyard and lots and lots and lots of organ music.

So was it good? Not really. Twenty minutes into the thing I was already tired of the slow pace. I mean I love Gothic stuff, but you don't need five minutes of a girl walking around a crypt when two minutes would do.

I felt bad for the actors. Jack Nicholson is full of life and seems to know he's on the verge of a great career. While Boris Karloff is clearly at the end of his. It's sad to see him relegated to such a role and such a film. He's clearly the best actor in the film and while he gets top billing Young Jack burns probably twice the amount of screen time.

Still, maybe ole Boris didn't mind sitting in his trailer most of the time, letting Young Jack run around and do all the work while he got paid half as much as the master.

Would I watch it again...hell - I barely made it through the first time.

Let's hope the next nine days are an improvement.

Two skulls out of Five - (mostly for atmosphere which was cool and kinda creepy - and for the ghost girl who was pretty hot)

Can You Ever Forgive Me

Now I realize that when we got into this realtionship there were a couple of expectations.

1. You promised that you would read what I wrote and in turn...

2. While I promised to write on a regular basis and not sleep around.

Well, I have not been sleeping around, but I have really let you down.

So for that I'm really, really sorry. For what it's worth I'm back.

Right now, I've just downloaded a game, which I'm gonna try out (I'll get back to you on what it's like)

So more tomorrow...I promise.

Love ya all - and...oh yeah

I'M BACK!