Tales of The Crimson Pig

Time to Shift Some Gears

2009-10-10T17:08:00.002-05:00

So I came to a conclusion the other day. And for most people this will appear to be no big deal, but for me it's kinda huge. For the past eight or nine years I've been working towards being a horror writer. It's be a road that I have not been too serious about and my work (while getting better) has never been where I thought it should be.

Now don't get me wrong. I love reading horror works, I love watching horror movies. Some of my favorite books have been and always will be horror.

It's just that writing the stuff I always felt like I was wearing the wrong pajamas. They fit, and sometimes they were a little comfy...but for the whole part they just didn't quite fit right.

So I wrote a Steampunk story and turned it in to my creative writing class. The kids went nuts over it...they loved the idea (though they tore the story apart).

I think the novel I'm going to write over NaNoWriteMO will be Steampunk in creation. I think it's were I need to be. It's more of a natural fit. You would think at my age realizing what you really are would be easy. And yet after each layer I always seem to find another farther down.

WIP Wednesday

2009-10-07T20:21:00.002-05:00

I am so itching to start working on my list of steampunk ideas, but I've got the type of personality where I like finish the projects I've already started. So I've got to finish "Mutant Freaks Must Die" - a little tale about alien invasion, smoking adolescents and one very capable high school janitor who saves the day. I keep repeating like a mantra "only ten more pages to go...only ten more pages to go."

Anyway...here's what I wrote last night.

"What do you think it looks like moron," Chastity demanded. "It's clearly some sort of alien crap."

"Yeah right," the sophomore said sarcastically, "alien crap which turns people into giant bugs when you smoke it. That's insane!"

"Insane or not," I countered. "I think she's probably right."

"HA," the girl snapped back before adding. "Take that!"

"Will the two of you shut up for a second," I suddenly yelled. "I'm trying to think."

All Things Wizards and Zombies

2009-10-04T22:09:00.005-05:00

I have really, really, really been trying to stick to my thirty minutes of writing a day (at least).

I still have twenty pages left of "Mutant Freaks Must Die" and then the rewrites of my Steampunk story.

After that I would like to finish another Steampunk story I have written (something my creative writing class has shown quite a bit of interest in...and let's face it I can't let the little 'uns down. I mean they are just soooooo cute).

The idea is to get all this done before November so I can hit the Steampunk Novel full force for NanoWriteMo.

Problem is...if you could call it a problem...my two young adult novels have been making the rounds at school. A kid will finish one book with great ideas, then another kid will want to read it and then they'll have rewrite ideas. And the thing is...they're all really good ideas. So here I am rewriting, while playing hunt the agent, while trying to keep up on my other stuff.

Then you get stuff like, oh I don't know...this thing called life which tends to get in the way.

Still it's all very exciting.

My friend Lauren gave me a gift of Zombie Zinfandel, or "Zombie Zin" for short.

I've promised that when "Zombacolypse!" gets published she, the wife unit, her husband unit and I will all break into it together.

Now I've really got a goal.

WIP Wednesday

2009-09-23T20:48:00.002-05:00

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. The good news is I've been busy writing, listening to Billy Squier and taking care of my epic 'TO DO' list. (Update soon to follow).

Anyway...I finished the Steampunk story (the kids workshop it Monday...I'll let you know how that comes out) However I now need to start my third story which has been tentatively titled either "THE JANITOR" or "MUTANT FREAKS MUST DIE!"

Her name was Mai, my one true love, my everything, my wife. I had met her while on a lecture tour in Japan. She was visiting with her ballet troup from China. The first time I saw her was when she was dancing, like water in the moonlight. The last time I saw her she lay dying next to me, the steering wheel of our Volvo crushing her delicate ribcage to a pulp.

I sat up in bed with a start. The crack of thunder which had awakened me still rumbled in the distance. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the gloom as the rain continued to tapdance across the roof of my trailer. It smelled of jasmin in the cramped bedroom, but I knew that I was just imagining that. Mai's perfume had smelled of jasmine...but of course Mai was dead. buried months ago and yet I continued to dream of her every night.

Anyway...hoped you enjoyed.

Later.

WIP Wednesday

2009-09-09T20:45:00.002-05:00

While I've been sticking pretty well to the writing every night plan, right now most of my time has been taken up with the Steampunk story as it is due for creative writing class sometime next week. The problem is, I'm trying to keep the page numbers under fifteen pages (mostly for the student's sanity) however I'm already eight pages in and I've just gotten out of the exposition! I think we're looking at a twenty five page tale here. Hmmmmm.

Anyway here is the latest...

The roomful of medical students held their breath as Doctor Kellar gently reached down and with a practiced flick of the wrist removed the patient's skullcap. The top of the woman's head slid from the doctor's hand and struck the hardwood floor with a loud crack that echoed across the silent theater.
Doctor Kellar gasped in horror, as Mr. Groom leaned forward to get a better view.
Filling the young woman's skull was not the fleshy grey matter they had expected. Instead a series of small cogs and wheels, like one would find in a timepiece, lay before them spinning and ticking away peacefully.
Suddenly the young woman's eyes snapped open, as she looked up at the doctor with curious detachment.
Her mouth opened, and in an inhuman voice that echoed from deep within her she screamed, "Why are you tampering with my soul?!"
One of the students gasped, as the woman screamed again, "Why are you tampering with my soul?!"
Doctor Kellar leaned forward, the reflection of the mad woman's face filling his round spectacles.
"Fascinating," he whispered just before she reached out and twisted her fingers around his throat in a steel grip.

As usual...any comments or suggestions are quite welcome.

Quick Update Before Bed

2009-09-08T21:12:00.002-05:00

It's been a long day, but for those of you who don't know...Sunday was my birthday.

I made a promise to myself that I would try to write for an hour every night (as a kinda birthday present to myself).

The wife-unit agreed to help and she has a whole stack of DVD's checked out from the library.

So after dinner I get to retire to write and she retires to watch television shows.

In theory it should work out perfectly.

Tonight, despite being very tired I put the theory to test and worked on my Steampunk story (as of yet untitled). It's coming along quite well. It's a little darker than I would have liked, but then I lean towards the dark.

Anyway, my goal is to post some of it tomorrow for WIP Wednesday.

Keep your eyes out for it my friends.

Until tomorrow then...

This Pig's going to bed!

Lack of Motivation Is Gonna Be The Death of Me

2009-09-06T12:03:00.002-05:00

So there are six things I need to be working on right now as far as writing goes.

1. The forty page post-apocolyptic story I'm only ten pages into.

2. The "Bacon" horror story, which I'm two pages into.

3. Submitting to "Dark Places" which sent me an email on Friday reminding me that I had not submitted. (Which was VERY kind of them and VERY unprofessional of me)

4. Finishing the audio script I want to submit to "Dark Voices"...(though I'm not sure if they're still up and running...something else I need to check into).

I took the day off yesterday for my birthday...which is today...and the way things are going I'll probably take today off as well.

Best kick myself in the butt tonight and tomorrow.

Ugggh...I'm soooooo bad.

So Now What?

2009-08-31T17:09:00.002-05:00

I found a publisher that wants 'novelettes' between 30-40 pages in length.

Honestly I think I could bust that out in like a weekend...or perhaps one evening? (Hmmmmm...)

I do like a challenge.

I also have an idea.

Of course I also have a story due tomorrow for creative writing class (which I still have about five pages left on) - so I suppose I should stop goofing around and get to work on that.

But I'll let you know about the 30 page story.

WIP Wednesday

2009-08-26T21:14:00.002-05:00

So I've started teaching the creative writing class I teach for a new year. Half the students are showing promise, the rest need much work, TLC and in one case a swift kick in the rear.

One of my students is very religious, and her mother is even worse. She's been sharing our work with her mom.

I write along with the kids and share my work with them as well...so alas - no zombie stories for me this year...sigh...

As a result I've decided this would be a good time to work on a few Steampunk short stories as a warm up for NaNoWriteMo in November...(my goal is to write the proper Steampunk YA novel).

Anyway here is the start to my Steampunk short story (as of yet untitled).

Removing his spectacles, Ian began to clean them on the end of his shirtail. Looking up he glanced at his friend and flat-mate Lucian Meriwether, sitting directly opposite him. The candle on his desk framed the young man's form which was cast in shadow as he hunched over the brass eyepiece of his microscope. Outside the wind howled through the empty night streets, while the rain beat gently upon the leaded glass of their dormer window.

Rising from his leather chair, Ian stepped from the warmth of the fireplace and peered down into the deserted street below. The gas-lamps glowed faintly in the mist, barely illuminating the shining pavement. A single figure rushed through the fog, a student or faculty member burning the midnight oil at the school library most likely.

Anyway. I don't know if you can tell, but I'm going for a Holmes and Watson thing...that is if Holmes and Watson were seventeen when they met.

It's a start. Wait until you see what they find at the Bell Tower Aslyum.

An Ambitious Undertaking

2009-08-24T19:33:00.002-05:00

So September 6th is my birthday and I have a goal to accomplish fifty goals in one year. Part of that goal is to keep my blog up to date, so as I cross each one off my list I will update the old blog...while still putting in my valuable input on other matters as well.

As you'll see some things are simple, some are more complex.

Here is the mighty 'To Do List' to end all to do lists.

1. I have a scar on my leg that needs looking to.
2. I still like to drop between ten to fifteen pounds.
3. My glasses keep falling of my face - so they need to be fixed.
4. Buy some new shirts.
5. Buy new sports jackets.
6. My shoes need new shoelaces.
7. I wear these black slippers at church and I need a new pair.
8. I've still got all my fat clothes laying around, so I need to get rid of them.
9. I broke the heating blanket we use during the winter so it needs to be fixed (or replaced)
10. Clean the shower drain (it's starting to smell funky)
11. Clean up under the kitchen sink (scared to see what's down there)
12. Clean the garbage disposal (also starting to smell funky)
13. Clean up the office (Angie wants to make it a reading room)
14. Download a bunch of music from my friend Amy (she has a great collection of music)
15. Steam clean the carpet
16. Organize all the bookshelves (should take days)
17. Write a novel during Nanowritemo.
18. Keep up blog
19. Send out promised copies of my book to those whom I promised a copy
20. Save $2000.00
21. Finish painting the upstairs offices at church
22. Get rid of all the metal at church (as promised like over a year ago)
23. Finish scraping the wax off the hardwood floors of church (as promised like over a year ago)
24. Make all new lesson plans for school
25. Make all new tests and quizzes for school
26. Make new Holocaust presentation for school
27. Start meditating
28. Start working out.
29. Finish YA book.
30. Continue to submit (with hopefully around ten acceptances this year)
31. Fix computer (the screen is broken)
32. Fix truck mirror
33. Clean interior of truck
34. Replace radio (which was stolen by the neighborhood meth-heads)
35. Find summer job
36. Replace truck breaks.
37. Submit 'Blackwater'
38. Submit "Sorcerers Orphan"
39. Buy new skillet
40. Visit three schools where I might want to work instead of my current place.
41. Get new scanner for school
42. Get back up drive for school
43. Start garden at school
44. Get bag fixed.
45. Finish Nazi story
46. Restock wine rack
47. Finish every season of "The Rockford Files"
48. Buy coffee mug
49. Drink Absinthe
50. Travel (Not sure where to yet...either Portland or Chicago I think)

OK - so starting September 6th I'm off and running...

Wish me luck...

I'm gonna need it.

Horror Movie Classics X

2009-08-19T20:34:00.003-05:00

Well folks...this is it...Number 10!

The last film is also a silent masterpiece...the German flick "Nosferatu".

Plot:

You have young Thomas, a realestate agent who is sent to conclude the sale of some creepy old dudes house "Count Orlok". The Count invites his guest to dinner, but when Thomas cut's his hand there's this really cool scene where the Count tries to suck the blood from his hand.

Thomas begins to suspect Count Orlok is a vampire when he awakes with bite marks on his neck. Searching the castle Thomas finds the Count's coffin down in the crypt.

There is a really bad ass scene where Thomas then sees Orlok piling up coffins in a wagon, getting ready to transport them to his new home which is...wait for it...ACROSS THE STREET FROM THOMAS'S HOUSE...dun..dun...dun!!!

The coffins are transported via ship to the Count's new home as a plague spreads across Europe where the victims sport 'bite type' marks.

You have another really cool scene where the ship arrives in Thomas's hometown.

Orlok moves in and Ellen (this would be the main squeeze of Thomas) transfixes the vampire with her beauty.

But what Count Orlok dosn't know is that the blood of a pure woman (see Ellen) - will cause him to loose track of time. Which will in turn allow the sunlight to do it's thing and BOOM no more vamp!

You've got some really great shots in this film. Like really famous shots. Things that even if you don't know where they come from you'd still recognize them.

This is a must see for any 'horror film buff' - you can't really call yourself that if you have not seen this film.

Four Skulls (I mean it still suffers from the pacing of a silent film - but that's not really it's fault is it?)

Horror Movie Classics IX

2009-08-18T20:33:00.011-05:00

It would seem that the last three films I've saved to watch are all going to be silent films.

Today's entry is "Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"

The Plot:

You take kindly old Doctor Jekyll, who spends most of his free time helping the little orphan kids down at his charity clinic. When not doing good deeds he can be found trying to court his love interest Millicent.

Her dad, Sir George belittles the good doctor, telling him he is too good and to prove it takes the young doctor to a music hall. I suppose it's suppose to be like a Victorian strip club because Doctor Jekyll becomes obsessed with a dancer named Gina.

Doctor Jekyll comes up with an idea that he'll separate his two selves, into the good and for lack of a better word the "evil" side. As most of us know, this is Mr. Hyde.

The belief is that Mr. Hyde can help conquer the doctor's basic primal needs while keeping his soul squeaky clean.

As Mr. Hyde becomes more and more depraved it becomes increasingly harder for Doctor Jekyll to keep him under control.

Eventually he murders Sir George and as Millicent grieves the doctor slowly goes insane from the guilt.

I'm not gonna lie, I've never been a big fan of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde storyline. I mean you've got a 'gentleman' who underneath it all is really just a 'psycho'. I've seen it done so many times before from "Silence of the Lambs" to the Showtime series "Dexter". I suppose people like the idea that the nice guy who lives next door to your grandma and helps her take her trash out every Wednesday has half a dozen bodies buried under his cellar.

I dunno...

But-

This film was actually quite good. For a silent film the pace was good. The sets were excellent and for 1920 the special effects were out of this world. (There is a particularly good scene where a giant spider climbs on the doctor's bed and begins the devour him - and remember this was filmed in NINETEEN TWENTY!!!)

But what I really liked about the film was how it was really a comment of Victorian England and it's class system.

Let me digress for a moment...Horror - at it's best, is really just a comment on your society.

Films like "Invaders From Mars" and "Them" produced in the 1950s - were really about the Russian invasion and nuclear fallout.

Films like "Last House on the Left" and "The Exorcist" (which came on in the 1970s) reflect a world out of control...which isn't surprising for a generation that was let down after the 1960s failed to deliver what it had promised.

Films like "Friday the 13th" and "A Nightmare on Elm Street" (1980s) show what happens when groups of teenagers run around and have sex...they die. Funny that these films started coming out when AIDS was really hitting the news.

You see horror shows us what's wrong with our society...what we REALLY fear, and let me tell you something...I fear Ronald Regan and George W. Bush more than I fear zombies and vampires.

But let me get back to my point.

Mr. Hyde can be depraved only because of the good doctor's money. He pays for impovrished women and then discards them like trash. He attacks a young boy on the street and then simply writes a check for one hundred pounds to pay the father off. It's like no matter how bad he is he can just throw money at it and keep acting however he wants. (No that's scary...because we all know it's true).

My favorite part of the movie (or at least the one that sent chills up my spine the most) was where the organ music changed to this upbeat madrigal stuff which accompanied Mr. Hyde beating Sir George to death with a cane. The music dosen't go with the violence (which goes on for quite some time) and John Barrymore is brillant in his grotusque bloodlust. Very disturbing. I can't imagine what the audiences at the time thought.

Anyway...good film over all...I'll give it four skills and an old white guy.

Horror Movie Classics VIII

2009-08-16T15:52:00.009-05:00

Sorry about the delay folks...this pig has no excuse...so I'm not gonna waste your time...

But I always try to finish what I start (no matter how painful) - So I'm back with classic horror movie number 8.

Today's movie is 1920s silent film - "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari"

The plot centers around a young German lad named Francis who is sitting in a park telling his story to an old man who just happens to be sharing the park bench with him.

It seems a while back Francis and his friend Alan went to the local carnival to take in the show. They agree to go see Dr. Caligari's 'Cabinet' which contains Cesare - a very tall a creepy looking somnambulist (it's alright...I didn't know what it meant either). So a quick check on the inter-web and...A Somnambulist is - a person who sleepwalks.

You see Cesare is in a trance throughout the whole movie. Alan asks Cesare how long he has to live to which the prophetic Cesare says that Alan will die that very night.

Alan dies (go figure) and now Francis and his girlfriend Jane begin to suspect Dr. Caligari and his sleepwalking goon. Cesare kidnaps Jane on Caligari's orders, which results in a chase by a torch and pitchfork wielding mob. Cesare falls to his death, but Jane is saved.

The search is now on for Caligari who, as it turns out, runs the local insane aslyum.

But wait...there's a twist ending as we find out that Francis is really insane and locked up in said aslyum. Jane and Cesare are fellow inmates (as is the old man to whom he is talking) and Dr. Caligari while really the director of the aslyum is not really evil.

Ah...

So how was it?

Well, truth be told how good can a silent film from 1920 be?

Actually that's not quite true, I love Fritz Lang's epic masterpiece "Metropolis"...though I have to say it's very much improved by the Queen soundtrack they added in the 1980s.

The problem with this film as how slow the pace was. Now I'm not the kind of guy who needs explosions and boobs every two minutes in my film to keep my attention...but I do need a story arc that can play out in a reasonable amount of time.

Slow pace sure...but what was good about it was this whole weird art neveau thing they had going on with the sets. I do know enough about film to know that when it first started out they were simply taking stage plays and filming them. Thus the use of sets as backdrops. These sets were very far out and very cool. The Germans have never been afraid of experimenting when it comes to film and I admire that. Sometimes the pay off is pretty outstanding.

So in the end I'm gonna give this bad boy Three Skulls Ale...raise yer tankards Matey!!!

A Now A Word From Our Sponsors

2009-07-12T21:54:00.002-05:00

Weekend rolled around and Sundays is Mystery! night, so no horror movie watching for me tonight. So to make it up for you I thought I'd share this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOp3bZxCdKA

I laughed so hard I cried.

Horror Movie Classics VII

2009-07-09T19:47:00.007-05:00

I feel like I'm dragging through this project...seems like I should have thought it out more when I started.

But far be it for me to complain, I made you a promise and by God I'm gonna stick to it!!!

So...today's film is...Dementia 13.

Interesting note here...this was Francis Ford Coppola's first directorial debut. Thank God they gave him a second chance.

Now don't get me wrong, the beginning starts out well. You have the resident eye candy Louise out in a row boat with her husband.

Hubby tells her she out of the family will and then he promptly dies from a heart attack. (How fortunate for dear old Louise!)

So she does what any loving wife would do, she dumps the body overboard. She then flies over the Atlantic to the family home in Ireland in a desperate attempt to make up with dear old 'mother in law'. The idea is to get back in good with the fam so mom will reconsider adding her back to the will while her husband is 'away on business.'

So once we get to the family estate the film starts playing by the numbers.

For example, you have-

Insane mother - check
Mysterious death of a daughter long ago - check
Creepy brother in law - check
Lot's of moody Gothic location filming - check
Plot...oh...well is that really necessary?

Half way through the story gets kinda muddled. So what's any self respecting young flimmaker to do?

Why you simply bring out the axe wielding manic to chase everyone around for the last twenty minutes of the film.

Oh don't get my wrong, you get some pretty gory scenes at this point. And I know you're saying, "Well this would be a good thing right Pig?"

Let me tell you, no matter how much blood you throw at a film, if the ending is tacked on because the film is running slow that's not helping that's making things worse.

Eh...

Over all not as bad as "Nightmare Castle" - but not as good as "Horror Hotel".

So where does that leave us?

Well I was going to give it two and a half skulls...but...

I couldn't find a photo of two and a half skulls so I'm giving "Dementia 13"

Two skulls

and a Lemur eating natchos and drinking beer while watching what I assume is "Night of The Living Dead".

At least I think that's a lemur...

Horror Movie Classics VI

2009-07-08T22:19:00.005-05:00

Now I'm breaking the rules a bit here, as I did not watch today's film today - but that's only because I've already seen it. Numerous times.

Today's film is...

Night of The Living Dead.

In the interest of full discloser I do have to admit that I've got a thing for zombies. So I will try to unbiased in this review...

Oh who am I kidding? I LOVE THIS FILM!!!

It's not just that it's the first in Romeros four part series, it's that it changed the way zombie films were done. It changed the way we thought about zombies.

Up to 1968 - the zombie was a creature created via voodoo. If you were going to face a zombie it was going to be in some place like Haiti and even then it was only going to be one or two of them.

But this film chucked all that out the window and here was a whole society turned in to flesh eating undead. How freaking cool is that?!

But here is where the film really shines. Instead of showing massive cities under seige, the director placed a group of people in a small farmhouse and lets the action proceed from there. The tension ratchets up as wave upon wave of undead come after them.

Plus it's got everything...incest, necrophelia, cannibialsim. Horror to the max.

You know deep down there is no good way for this to end, and that's exactly what you get. In a Hollywood where everything is given to a focus group that begs for a 'happy ending' you've gotta ask yourself - How can there be a happy ending in a zombie flick?

The answer - if you're honest. There can't be a happy ending, and that's exactly what you get with "Night of the Living Dead." The realistic ending that shows you how much the end of the world will hurt when it gets here.

2012 anyone?

Oh yeah...as if you needed to ask - Five out of Five Skulls

Horror Movie Classics V

2009-07-07T19:50:00.005-05:00

OK Folks we're halfway through the set and today do we have a treat for you...

Horror Hotel

This little gem comes to us from the Hammer Studios in England. Now for those of you who don't know about the Hammer Studios they were a British Film powerhouse in the 1950s through the 1970s. They specialized in horror, sci-fi and thriller pics. They were NOT famous for films where people get killed with hammers (as my friend Lauren asked me today).

Horror Hotel has a simple little plot.

Christopher Lee is a professor in America specializing in the witches of New England. He sends a female student interested in the topic to a small remote town to do some research. But the hotel in which she stays is run by a...wait for it...COVEN OF WITCHES!!!

Dun-dun-dun...

What I liked about the film was the exterior shots of the village and the surround countryside. Filmed in a studio, all they did was fog the hell out of everything and use shadow. Very cool look.

The acting was good. The hipsters in their cool early sixties ties were good. Over all it was a nice little film, with a plot that made sense and a climax that didn't let me down.

Hell...

I'd even watch this one again.

Four out of Five Skulls.

Horror Movie Classics IV

2009-07-06T19:46:00.009-05:00

Today's Film is...drum roll please...

Nightmare Castle!

So far we have a winner! This is the film that will dethrone "The Terror" as the worst movie I've seen in the set so far.

The plot?

Crazy scientist dude catches his wife and her lover 'getting it on' in the greenhouse. (I couldn't figure out why the two met in her bedroom and then had to go downstairs to find some rotten old leaves on which to 'get jiggy with it').

Crazy scientist dude tortures wife and lover before killing them...but wait! Just before she dies wife says she had left her family fortune to her sister whom is in an insane asylum and whom she hates.

Crazy scientist dude marries the sister before moving her into the dark brooding castle. Slowly he tries to drive her mad while he lurks around with his maid (really his wife whom he is keeping alive by giving her blood transfusions from the people he kills).

Ok - so what's the problem?

Well first - someone needed to invest in some lighting. Half the time I couldn't even see what was going on it was so dark. That's not what I call atmosphere, that's just frustrating. The pace was slow and some things just didn't make any damn sense.

For example: When crazy scientist dude disposes of the bodies he burns them and places their ashes in a pot. At the beginning of the movie the characters make a big deal out of the 'fleshy plant' growing from it. Then...THEY DON'T MENTION THE DAMN THING AGAIN!!!

But here's my favorite, in the climax the ghosts of those killed are running around and the one good guy (the doctor from the asylum) conveniently finds a glass box filled with murky water and THE HEARTS OF THE TWO PEOPLE WHO HAD BEEN MURDERED!

At this point I'm like 'What The Hell? Where did this come from?'

So the ghost kills the scientist and his wife/maid, the good guy throws the hearts in the fireplace before running from the castle with the crazy girl and BOOM - you've got yourself an ending.

Blah.

I was going to give this no skulls - but I'm gonna give it one for two reasons.

First...Helga Line was in it and she's quite easy on the eyes.

and second...for this scene

So...one skull (begrudgingly)

Horror Movie Classics Part III

2009-07-04T09:43:00.006-05:00

Today we have a little film I was very excited to watch.

The Last Man on Earth!

The reason I was so excited to see this film is because it's based off of one of my all time favorite novels - "I am Legend" by Richard Matheson. There have been two other attempts to make this novel into a film. After "The Last Man on Earth!" there was "The Omega Man" in 1971

and then "I am Legend" in 2007.

So how does the original compare?

Well, it's closest to the book. I think that's because it was the only version where Matheson was actually involved with the script.

I love movies about the end of the world. The beginning of "The Omega Man" is great at this, I even enjoyed watching Will Smith walk around an empty New York in the new version. The biggest problem with "The Last Man on Earth" is the lack of these types of scenes. Vincent Price does visit the burn pits where the bodies were dumped before society completely went down the crapper, which was cool. But beyond that, well...the small budget really hurts this film.

At first you can tell by the buildings in the background that this film was not made in America, after a little research I found they filmed it in Rome. Which to me was just plain weird. When you read the book you have to visualize it as one of those old black and white 'Twilight Zone' episodes filmed in an abandoned LA of the mid-1950s. It helps. But this film was just off somehow.

Is it good? Yeah, it's better than the others. The ending is the closest and doesn't suffer from the pretentious ending that plagues "The Omega Man". Vincent Price is not a good choice as Robert Neville (in this film called Dr. Robert Morgan) - but it does address his depression which the other films don't really seem to capture. If you have a free afternoon with nothing better to do and this comes on television I would recommend you give it a chance. But really what you should do instead is go to the library and check the book out and read it yourself.

It's a short novel and will take just as long to read as it would to watch the film.

Three out of Five Skulls - (For a decent attempt at a fantastic novel)

Horror Movie Classics Part II

2009-07-03T10:25:00.008-05:00

OK - Today's film will be...

The House on Haunted Hill!

Now for those of you under a certain age...do not get this confused with the 1999 remake of the same name.

In this film you have Vincent Price in top form as the millionare who offers - wait for it...a whopping $10,000 to a group of strangers to spend the night in a 'haunted house'. I'm guessing in 1959 this was a massive amount of money.

I love black and white films, and truth be told halfway through the flick I stopped looking at it as a horror movie and more as a mystery. (Which helped). It becomes pretty obvious early on that the 'haunted house' isn't really 'haunted' and it appears that Mr. Price is trying to pull something over on everyone.

There is a great part at the beginning where he and his forth wife (the first three died under bizarre circumstances) banter back and forth about how they would love to kill one another.

The party guests arrive - a chandelier falls and almost kills someone. Vince Price arrives and pours drinks for everyone, before they go on a tour of the house, visting all the places where people were murdered.

Then at one point all the party guests receive party favors in the form of small little caskets containing...GUNS!

Now as most of you know, handguns are probably the most ineffective item against evil spirits that can be thought of. However, if your intent is for everyone to run around in a panic shooting each other it's a great idea.

So Vincent Prices wife played by the very lovely Carol Ohmart is hung - people panic. All fingers point towards the evil Mr. Price.

There is a twist ending, a walking skeleton that forces Carol Ohmart into a pool of acid and Vincent Price gets the last line.

Over all that pacing was better than 'The Terror' and the plot made much more sense. In addition the whole 'paying people to spend the night in the haunted house' motif has been so overdone, but think of it this way. This is the film that started that motif, which means it must have made quite an impact at the time.

So...for Vincent Prices superb performance, the genuinely creepy scene where a female character turns around only to be confronted with a hidious old hag - teeth bared and hands like claws and the extra bonus of a PLOT! I give this film three out of five skulls.

Horror Movie Classics Part I

2009-07-02T15:59:00.006-05:00

OK - dear friends, I'm back as promised.

By the way - the game download didn't work...arrrggg!

Still, that is not what I have on the agenda for today as my discussion topic.

Instead let me tell you a little bit about this purchase I made a couple of years ago. In the bargain bin at Best Buy was the 'Collectors Edition' of Horror Movie Classics.

Now I got this little gem for only $14.99 plus tax - and it came with count them with me...ten - that's right TEN classic horror films. That's roughly a dollar fifty per film.

And now you ask - was it worth it?

Well...

Here's what I'm gonna do.

And I want you to realize I'm doing this for the both of us - not just myself.

I'm gonna watch all these films this summer and review them for you. And if you're really fired up about watching one - and you can't find it on Netflix - I may be willing to loan you a copy.

So...

First Up!

The Terror!

So here is the 'plot' of this film in a nutshell.

You have a very, young Jack Nicholson (this is pre "Easy Rider" days). Who plays a French soldier lost on the beach. As I watched the film I could just imagine him starting his role with a very bad French accent and the director just finally saying, "Jack just play the role with your regular voice!"

Young Jack sees a beautiful woman who disappears as he passes out. When he comes to, some old witch woman is nursing him back to health. Her toady, some dude that dies in a really cool way (a bird pecks his eyes out half way through the film and he falls to his death from a cliff) - tells Young Jack the ghost woman can be found in some castle on top of a cliff.

Young Jack goes to investigate and this is where he finds Boris Karloff puttering around all alone with his lackey butler. There are a lot of scenes of people walking down big staircases, women in white walking through the mist of a graveyard and lots and lots and lots of organ music.

So was it good? Not really. Twenty minutes into the thing I was already tired of the slow pace. I mean I love Gothic stuff, but you don't need five minutes of a girl walking around a crypt when two minutes would do.

I felt bad for the actors. Jack Nicholson is full of life and seems to know he's on the verge of a great career. While Boris Karloff is clearly at the end of his. It's sad to see him relegated to such a role and such a film. He's clearly the best actor in the film and while he gets top billing Young Jack burns probably twice the amount of screen time.

Still, maybe ole Boris didn't mind sitting in his trailer most of the time, letting Young Jack run around and do all the work while he got paid half as much as the master.

Would I watch it again...hell - I barely made it through the first time.

Let's hope the next nine days are an improvement.

Two skulls out of Five - (mostly for atmosphere which was cool and kinda creepy - and for the ghost girl who was pretty hot)

Can You Ever Forgive Me

2009-07-01T19:39:00.002-05:00

Now I realize that when we got into this realtionship there were a couple of expectations.

1. You promised that you would read what I wrote and in turn...

2. While I promised to write on a regular basis and not sleep around.

Well, I have not been sleeping around, but I have really let you down.

So for that I'm really, really sorry. For what it's worth I'm back.

Right now, I've just downloaded a game, which I'm gonna try out (I'll get back to you on what it's like)

So more tomorrow...I promise.

Love ya all - and...oh yeah

I'M BACK!

So Here I Am

2009-04-25T17:18:00.002-05:00

I was walking through the woods today...something I've been doing lately and which I find very relaxing. And I was reviewing my goals for this year, and I think I'm doing pretty good.

I lost 70 pounds.

I've got about thirty pages left of Zombacolypse!

and I'm alot more laid back when it comes to the spiritual enlightenment.

So where do I still need to go?

Well...

This summer I'd like to start working out. I think if I can loose another fifteen pounds and firm everything up I'd be pretty happy.

I know where Zombacolypse! is going, but I'm stuck on the climax. I've got all the characters in place, I've got the setting - I think I know what's in the magic box and I know who has to die and who has to live. Problem is making it all work and come together. It's like a jigsaw puzzle for your creative mind. Ughh...

I think more time for meditation and talking with the big guy upstairs would help. Other than that, I'm growing flowers, I'm walking, I'm eating better. Life could be worse...

Winding Down

2009-04-17T22:10:00.003-05:00

Well, my week long vacation is coming to an end. Tomorrow I'm going to hopefully record half the podcast my friend Will and I are doing of a novel I wrote a couple of years ago called "Blackwater". By next Saturday we will hopefully have recorded the whole thing and then we'll go through the process of editing and adding the music. My old friend Devil Blair is going to supply the music and hopefully we can have the podcast up and going on Itunes by the end of May.

I feel kind of bad that I'm starting a new project when I haven't even finished Zombacolypse! However, I think maybe standing back and giving it some room right now might not be a bad idea.

I let you know how the recording goes.

Pig out...

Must Find Time To Breathe

2009-04-13T21:13:00.002-05:00

Had today off. Planned on sleeping until noon, however there was too much for this pig to do. I am kinda happy with the end results. So let's take stock shall we?

I let the wifeunit sleep in while I...

Uploaded my Ipod - Podcasts
Cleaned the house
Did the laundry

Then as she got up around 10:30 I...

Went to the grocery store
Made lunch
Continue to do laundry

I then went in the office to...

Fix spelling and grammar errors on Blackwater
Continue to do laundry

Wifeunit fell asleep, so I...

Went and bought some new tabacco for my pipe
Went on an hour long hike through the woods (very peaceful)

Come home and...

Made dinner
Continued to do laundry
Did dishes

After dinner I...

Wrote the first three pages for Blackwater
Fixed page numbering problems on Blackwater and The Sorcerers Orphan
Finished laundry

Now I'm...

Catching up on Facebook
Catching up on Blogging

Next I'm gonna...

Take a hot bath
Go to bed by ten

A productive yet relaxing day...

not bad Crimson Pig...not bad at all!

What A Strange And Wonderful World In Which We Live

2009-04-08T17:17:00.004-05:00

So I've subscribed to a podcast called "Tapestry of The Times". If you haven't heard of it, I suggest you give it a try. The Smithsonian Institute releases some of their vast collection once a week and you hear anything from 1930's blues, to songs sung during the Civil War, to Chilean folk songs about lamas, to Indonesian pop song's from 1977.

Last week the topic was songs about Joe Hill.

Now for those of you like myself who didn't know who Joe Hill was, I learned a little info from my podcast as well. Joe Hill was a labor activist, who lived around the turn of the twentieth century. He was executed for a crime he didn't commit in Utah. The man tried to keep him down, but instead they made a martyr of him. When he died he was quoted as saying, "Don't Mourn - Organize!"

Now I had always known Joe Hill as the novelist of the horror novel - "Heart Shaped Box"

And if he looks familiar, that's because his father is a little know horror author himself. You may have heard of the guy, I think his name is something like Stephen King.

Anyway, I get to listening to these songs about Joe Hill they're playing on the "Tapestry of the Times" and I love them. So I start downloading a couple for the Ipod.

Strange.

I never knew I liked songs about Unionizing. I wonder what other wonderful stuff there is out there that I'll discover at some point in my life?

Can't wait to find out.

Re-Cap of March

2009-04-04T21:00:00.004-05:00

Well,

Zombacolypse is up and running. I've posted and people say they are reading it. My friend Scoot is the most vocal with his comments which really fire me up and make we want to keep writing. It's amazing how far a little support goes. Even when he's just Facebooking me with spelling corrections I love it. Plus he's very good at telling me when I'm running late on the next installment. He's like my own little cheerleading group...fire and love to you my man Scoot (love ya)!

The whole situation at work panned out as things such as that usually do. Funny how in the future we can look back and see how silly it all is, but when you're in the thick of it all it seems so important. There is that taoist philosophy coming in again. You see, when we're all done and gone, how we treat one another is all that matters. Actually, I'm getting two assistants next year and check this (they are twins)!!! How freaking cool is that. They are both hard workers, funny and very, very cool. I can't wait to work, talk horror movies with them and laugh, laugh, laugh. I'm a very happy little pig.

I think success does lie ahead, but not in ways I once expected (I find the universe tends to work like this) - I'm stoked about the podcast. I'm talking with my friend Lauren about getting the equiptment/software together. I re-printed/re-bound the book for my actor friend Will to start reading, and I talked to my friend Devin about recording some music for the podcast. The cool part is, everyone else seems just as excited as me! That makes the whole thing so much cooler. I have to admit that I've kinda lost steam on the zombie novel, however I only have the climax and resolution to finish. I already know what the resolution is gonna look like, it's just the climax I can't quite figure out. I walked away from it for awhile, but I can't do that forever. If the blog on Livejournal catches up with where I left off, Scoot ain't gonna like waiting a month for the last seven or eight chapters.

I don't know if you can tell by the tone of my recent entries, but I am much more optimistic about everything right now. The diet is on stabilization, which is great because I can have the occasional burrito. I feel great, I look better. The zombie novel is no longer hanging around my neck like some dead sea bird (how's that for a literary reference)!? Anyway, things are looking pretty good for this little piglet.

I say...bring on April (Yes, yes I know it's already April...why must you be so literal)?

Food For Thought...Or How Tao Changed My Life

2009-03-29T19:23:00.003-05:00

So - I'm always looking for patterns in the universe. I believe they are there. We just don't see them very often because life keeps getting in the way. But if we slow down and don't see what's going on around us, but actually LOOK at what's going on around us, the patterns become clear.

So - In the process of seeking spiritual enlightenment, I've been listening to a Zen podcast called "Zencast".

It helps me slow down and put things in prospective. The other morning I was getting ready for work and in the process of taking my 'daily constitutional" I picked up a book on Zen from the back of my toilet. The section I breifly read had to do with unhappiness and how it's all locked up in the mind. Then I plug in my Ipod as I make breakfast and listen to Zencast. The topic of that day...Unhappiness and how it's all locked up in the mind.

Now this pig knows when the universe is trying to say something to it. And to turns ones mind off of the problems of the day, or upcoming day is not an easy thing. But that is what I attempted to do. It's not a bad system to find yourself in.

Today I listened to my daily Taoist podcast called Tao 360

The idea behind this podcast had to do with - "Parting". It dealt with how we must not allow ourselves to get trapped by Earthly possessions. That includes friends and lovers as well.

Trouble is, we are human and we want to hold onto those things that make us happy.

Consider the pig's entry from a week or so ago, where he talks about how he's always been able to leave these things behind.

I am beginning to think that maybe this outlook is not as dysfunctional as I once thought.

A New Dawn

2009-03-25T16:39:00.004-05:00

I've got a confession to make.

I love the 1970s. It's a time in wish I could travel back and live. Not because it was an age of innocence, because really...if you know anything about it - it wasn't. It was a decade that was filled with violence and fear.

No. I want to live in the 1970s because that was a time when people believed in creating things. They created and lived...not for money or possessions (well I mean they did) - but it wasn't like how the country became after Reagan took over and made it patriotic to kill and spend, spend, spend.

Now, I have another confession to make.

I'm not as ecstatic as I thought I would be, now that my man Obama is in power. It's not his fault. This country has been going in the wrong direction for almost thirty years. It's like an oil tanker, you're not just gonna turn it around in a few months.

However, that's kinda the good part.

I mean. For thirty years the country has been broken. It's been unhealthy. Living for power and money...and money...and more money. Now the whole damn thing has caught up to us and bitten the whole world on it's collective ass.

My priest said in her sermon the other day that those of us who have been waiting for this day should have been happy to see these billionaires taken off to jail in handcuffs. The problem is, we're all so overwhelmed with what has happened, none of us feels like celebrating. About anything.

I've been looking around and I think...wow...this all so bad. Everyone I know, including myself just seems to want to crawl in a hole and go to sleep. It's like we're all exhausted and depressed.

But then...I stop and slow down. I look closer. And you know what I see? I see the buds of flowers poking their little heads out of the snow. Because this is springtime for the world (yes, I know it's actually really springtime right now... but I'm using it as a metaphor).

I see people getting through this time in history by using their creativity. Not to make money. Not to become famous. But because they love creating. And let me tell you something. The man can't tax you for making chalk drawings on the sidewalk. Wal-mart can't charge you for taking photos of sunsets and posting them on your blog.

It's happening at my church. We're being reborn. The building, the people, the attitudes. It's like someone has thrown open a window and let the sunlight in on some dusty old room.

I see it in start up radio stations. A friend of mine knows a guy running a station called The Bridge. She compares it to those underground start up stations in the 1970s. (Now do you know why I love that decade so much)? That's what we need more of. People playing music because it makes them happy and makes the rest of us happy. Not to scam you out of some money.

Let me tell you something about money. It's like food. We all need a little to survive. But when you start gobbling it up like a pig, you get bloated and unhealthy. You stop savoring it. You stop tasting it. It means nothing...and then you know what happens? Dr. Phil has to come to your house and remove a wall to forklift your fat ass out of there. Do you want that?

I'm planning on podcasting a novel I wrote a couple of years ago, pretty soon. I have an actor friend who is going to read it for three reasons.

One, he likes my writing and really wants to support it.

Two, he likes me as a friend and really wants to support me.

Three, he can put it on his little acting bio sheet.

You see? Everyone wins.

People get to hear my writing for free, I get some work out there in the world and my buddy gets to help out a friend/build a resume at the same time.

Now I could horde my little book, demanding that people pay to read/hear it. But you know what? I think most people would be like, "Who the hell are you to ask for money?"

And you know what? They'd be right.

I'm willing to post my novel on ITunes.

If it's good (and I think it is) people will then offer me money to read another book. If that happens publishers will publish me. Folks spend a little cash for my book, I get some scrilla, the publishers get some scrilla and there you go.

Life is good.

Then, I'm gonna take that money. Buy a very, small two bedroom house. An old 1973 pickup and spend the rest making my family, friends and church very, very happy.

And do you know why? Because my family, friends and church want me to succeed. Not for money, because they don't expect any money. They want me to succeed, because it makes them happy to see me happy.

And that makes this fat, little piggy want to share his food.

So Many Plans So Little Time

2009-03-17T18:41:00.005-05:00

Well...Blogging the novel didn't work out. So I went with Livejournal - which allows me to cut and paste the Word Document just fine. However it's hard to navigate and well, it's just not getting the amount of hits, interest, buzz I was hoping.

I mean it could be that my novel just sucks, but let's not be silly!

So, I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself, as thousands of people are not begging me on Facebook for the next installment of Zombocalypse!

When I get a new idea.

Actually this is an old idea I'm recycling.

This summer, I'm gonna have my actor friend Will read my other novel "Blackwater" into a mic attatched to my computer. Then using Audasity (free voice recording software) we're gonna Podcast it. Put it up on ITunes and then let's see what happens.

Get some buzz that way and I can see the book offers start rolling in.

It's just that I think we're gonna have to sit down and make some serious time for this. Still it's an idea that is firing me up.

Now if I could just drop these last ten pounds, write the last thirty pages of Zombocalypse! and clean the back room of my place - life would be good!

It's as if I am in battle for my very soul

2009-03-14T17:54:00.002-05:00

So...one of my goals this year is spiritual enlightenment.

Part of reaching this goal is recognizing that success is there. All I have to do is believe. I know that thought forms are energy. Thus, all I have to do is send out those waves to the universe...saying, "Hey Universe...Crimson Pig here. How about we go ahead and get that novel published."

Trouble is. I don't know where to start.

I got my Writer's Market Books. But whenever I start to use them. A lot of the publishers are either out of business or are no longer accepting manuscripts.

I know I can succeed, I just don't know how to do so.

It's frustrating.

I suppose if it were easy, we'd all be doing it.

Right?

A Trip Down Amnesia Lane

2009-03-10T20:38:00.007-05:00

Let me tell you a story...

Since I was about eight years old I have fancied myself as a modern day, American Doctor Who. For those who know nothing of the show...a brief rundown.

The Doctor as he is known is a mysterious time traveler...who travels through time and space in a machine which looks like a Police Public Call Box from London circa 1950-1960.

The interior is bigger on the inside than on the outside. And our man the Doctor is always finding himself in various scrapes all throughout time and space.

The show began on November 22, 1963 and ran pretty much non-stop on the BBC until 1989. (You heard me right - twenty six years running...without a break - unless you count that hiatus crap in the mid 1980s).

Then, there was an attempted resurrection on the Fox network back in 1997.

Sadly, just as Fox does with most great shows (see...Firefly, Wonderfalls, Andy Richter Controls the Universe...etc.) it was killed. Mostly likely because it was creative and original.

Anyway, thank the good lord that the show is back on the air and can be seen on BBC America or the Sci-Fi Channel.

What I love about the show is how it constantly reinvents itself. Every one to five years the character the Doctor 'regenerates' into a new form. Which allows a new actor to play the role. He picks up new companions and then leaves them behind once they have had enough (or in a few cases they die).

He'll save a world and just before the populace celebrates him as a hero, he climbs inside his time machine and without fan fair, he simply leaves. And that to me has always been a metaphor for my life.

Now we get to the point...(because if you have not realized it yet...this blog is really all about me).

I have tried to live my life like the Doctor. The wife-unit knows this. She's pointed it out a few times. I was the most happy when I was traveling. I picked up people in my life and then they left...like the Doctor's granddaughter was left to rebuild Earth after it was invaded in 2025. Just like his companion Sarah Jane Smith was forced to return to Earth in the 1980s when it became too dangerous for her to continue to travel with him.

Friends have come into my life and gone. Girlfriends have come and gone. And yet I continued to travel...fighting evil, avoiding the use of violence, using my wits and charm...even stopping for a spot of tea. (I really should be British you know).

Throughout it all, I have to say that so far it's been a pretty good lifestyle.

I must admit, it was a little dysfunctional...as in it took the wife-unit years to break me and realize that I needed to settle down with her (and thank God I did).

But...and there is always a but...

Here's what they don't tell you about trying to be a traveling time lord who abhors violence.

Sometimes your past catches up with you.

Because of Facebook, I've lately found myself being forced to face my past life...particularly in High School. This is a time I simply walked away from. I left my friends and ex-girlfriends behind. I continued forward, not bothering to look back, because I was living new adventures and meeting new companions.

But now, I've suddenly found my past staring right at me, bringing to light all these feelings and thoughts I had safely locked away.

As my friend Scott said today wistfully - "That's kinda cool...and kinda sad."

Yes my friend it is. But, what is even more sad is that some day you'll probably move on to another planet, helping it's inhabitants rebuild after the two of us save them.

And as for me...I will calmly walk over to my time machine and just simply move on.

And The Cell Door Slams Behind You...

2009-03-06T22:39:00.004-06:00

A Warning First...What I'm about to talk about and show you is disturbing. I'm not doing this to make a political point...as I believe that when all is said and done, and there you are standing before your god, politics doesn't add up to a hill of beans. (To quote one of my favorite movies).

This is a true story. The soldier's name is Ty Ziegel - his girlfriend's name is Renee.

Here is the two of them in happier times.

This is their wedding photo a few years later.

This is after his truck was attacked in Iraq and he was almost burned to death.

But what I really want you to look at is not him.

I want you to look at Renee's eyes.

That, my friends, is the look of the cell door slamming behind you.

It's the look of someone trying to do the right thing.

But you can tell she is no longer in love with him.

Now, that doesn't make her a bad person...I mean, this is her wedding photo...

And she's not even smiling.

Which brings me to my point.

Here is a problem that has been bothering the pig for a few days.

There is a girl at work with whom I used to be close. She'd come in before work and we'd talk about books, movies or music. She'd loan me books, I'd loan her comic books. She'd loan me CD's and DVD's etc.

Then she stopped coming in.

No big deal, people get busy.

But you see. She was supposed to join my work group next year as like my assistant. I give these invites to those with whom I trust and like. It makes working together much more productive and pleasant.

Well...the other day she comes in to tell me that she want's to work for another group leader. Lays out the reasons and I'm like - "OK, do what you need to do."

I mean yeah. I feel betrayed. I feel disrespected. I feel screwed over, because now I've got to scramble for a replacement at the last minute and all the good workers have already been picked over. And I'm not gonna lie, I'd rather do all the work myself than get saddled with someone who only works in a half assed fashion.

I mean under the circumstances, I thought I was being pretty cool.

I didn't get upset.

I mean, I really didn't get upset.

Like when I fake it and try to tell myself I'm not upset when I really am. It wasn't even remotely like that.

I just don't want someone to work for me because they feel a sense of obligation. I don't want her to feel like Renee. You know, doing something they hate out of a sense of duty.

Not for me anyway. That's not how I roll.

So you see...

Zen Pig.

Mature Pig.

I was quite proud of myself.

But now here is the kicker.

I have heard that said girl is upset with me. (Or at least that's what is going through the grapevine, and I work in a very small town enviornment).

I'm not sure why either. I don't know what I did.

I mean if I expect too much from the people who work for me (and I do) that doesn't make me a bad person. If she can't handle the work than she did the right thing.

If she likes the other guy better. That's ok with me as well.

Hell if I've done something to offend her, I'll apologize.

The problem is I don't know what it is that I did.

And in the end that is the question I keep coming back to..."What did I do?"

Oh well...

By the way. I looked it up.

Ty and Renee's marriage broke up in less than a year. (Tell the truth...did you expect it to end any other way).

The first ten chapters are up!

2009-03-06T18:09:00.001-06:00

Nuff said.

http://chris-aylett.livejournal.com

Zombocalypse Is Very Close To Being Up and Running

2009-03-04T15:53:00.002-06:00

OK - here's the problem.

I wanted to put Zombocalypse on Blogger here. But problems arose.

First - Formatting errors out the wazoo. I can't even begin to tell you how bad the text looked after I cut and pasted it all into Blogger.

Second - By default my Zombocalypse page was attatched to my Crimson Pig page. This was a problem in that I wasn't sure if I wanted those reading my book knowing about my personal bitching.

Third - I've been told this blog is hard to read. Not a problem in short bursts, but when you're reading over ten pages I'm sure that's gonna get pretty annoying, pretty damn quick.

However!

I am the type of person who would reather light a candle than curse the darkness.

So...

Zombocalypse is up at Livejournal under my pen name - Christopher Aylett.

http://chris-aylett.livejournal.com

Check it out, I know you won't be disappointed.

Re-Cap Of February

2009-03-01T20:27:00.003-06:00

OK - Gotta Make This Quick. I want to get the first five chapters up on Zombacolypse.

1. Facebook still consumes way, way, way too much of my time.

2. The zombie signs will be going up soon...but they will really be promotional signs for the upcoming blockbuster "Zombacolypse The Movie".

3. I'm still an Episcopalian...however right now I'm ready to burn my lifetime membership card.

4. There is still more than enough out there...and writers still aren't getting it.

5. That guy still rocks!

6. Wombats still rock!

7. Jesus still rocks!

8. I'm still fighting depression...sometimes it's getting pretty bad.

9. Hopper still needs a rail guided launch sled...seriously...go find one for me! (We can play with it together)

10. I'm still losing weight and I'm still losing friends (go figure)

11. And finally....If you have not watched "The Amazing Screw On Head" - why are you reading this? Get on it!

See you next month.

Take Some Time Out of Your Day and Do Something Different For A Change

2009-02-25T21:25:00.005-06:00

Here is the problem with American television (and movies for that matter). In order to insure a return on your investment audio/visual media must make sure they are producing something everyone will like.

This means 1) Plot by committee 2) Screening groups, screening groups, screening groups

Problem with that is that most of the time, all the creativity is sucked out and the original vision. Even if the idea was fantastic (see "Zombocalypse" for an example) it generally gets so watered down, the final product ends up with about as much emotional punch as a wet sock.

However, this pig has some good news for you.

Because so much money is made in the entertainment industry. Sometimes, just sometimes a little of that scrilla is siphoned off the top and something really cool gets made.

Enter - THE AMAZING SCREW ON HEAD.

Created by "Hellboy" genius Mike Mignola - it's a wild romp through Civil War era America, with a robot James West saving the day from a zombie. It's got a monkey, flame throwers and butlers who tend to have short life spans.

I can't say enough good things about this show.

Well...except that it wasn't picked up by the network after the pilot. (Mostly because it was too original - which in my opinion is an oxymoron).

But, do not despair!

If you're willing to kill twenty minutes and you have an open mind, you can watch the pilot at the link below.

So. Go make some hot tea for the love and all that is holy and watch the damn show already.

You can thank me later.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5434666681046246946&q=The+Amazing+Screw-On+Head

What They Don't Tell You About Weight Loss.

2009-02-24T19:55:00.004-06:00

So the world has been kinda topsy turvy lately for me.

One minute I'm up...the next I crash.

One minute I'm telling everyone I'm going to ride out my next three weeks of weight loss and see how far I can go. The next I'm telling them once I reach 180 I'm done.

One minute I'm laughing and joking with the people with whom I work, the next I'm snapping at them over little stuff.

I know my body is going through a huge change (65 pounds in about 4 months)...which must also be doing something to my mind as well.

But here's another problem...

And no one ever thinks about this.

Part of my personality is that I don't really act so much, as RE-act to people.

And once you start loosing weight. I mean serious weight. People start treating you differently.

I mean for the whole part everyone is pretty supportive at work. I get a lot of "Hey man, you're looking good." Or "So how much have you lost?"

But a lot of other people are pulling away from me.

I'm loosing friends and I don't know why.

Perhaps I'm overreacting. I probably am.

But still...it sucks.

Hopper needs...

2009-02-17T19:59:00.003-06:00

I got this from my Facebook friend Kelly. You type "(you name) and needs..." into a search engine. Then you write down what comes up. So...

HOPPER NEEDS...

1. Some TLC.

2. Help.

3. Two legs.

4. A home.

5. Sure footing.

6. To go fast.

7. To hurry.

8. Support.

9. To be cleaned.

10. A rail-guided launch sled.

I agree that I need TLC and support.

I don't know why everyone thinks I'm moving too slow.

My favorites are the last two...I'm not sure how they know that I need to be cleaned.

And HELL YEAH - I need a rail guided launch sled...think off all the things I could do with that!

A Day In The Life

2009-02-16T11:59:00.002-06:00

I don't know if you have been able to tell, but if truth be told...this pig has been a little depressed lately.

To begin I'm down to losing about a pound a week now - which is about frustrating as hell. So I started working out after work (an hour a day!)...You know what happened? I went UP SEVEN POUNDS!!!!! (Screw this noise)!

I'm over worked and underpaid (nothing new there) but lately I've felt very unappreciated.

Now this entry is not about complaining...instead let me tell you how nice it is, when it all comes together.

Part of my frustration is that I plan to do stuff, and then life gets in the way. DARN YOU LIFE!

Take this weekend for example.

The plan -

-Ten Pages of Zombie Novel.

-Submit, submit, submit (something I've been putting off)
-Clean the house
-Workout

But here's life-

-A wedding on Saturday (which I skipped)...then come to find out on Sunday the wedding had half naked buxom women and a monkey! (Figures...)
-Baby Shower on Sunday (which was very, very awkward) - I left early.
-Birthday party today (this should be fun)

But then the toilet breaks last night. So after weigh-in I go and pick up the parts at the local hardware store. I get the parts, stop at Starbucks and get a gift card for the birthday girl and stop by the grocery store for a card.

Then I get home and fix the toilet in like seven minutes.

You know, last night a friend of mine said. When you try to move mountains it may suck because of how hard you push yourself...but it's pretty damn cool when that mountain moves (paraphrasing here...if you're reading Lauren).

And you know what?

She's right.

To get all that done in less than two hours is pretty cool. I don't know why I'm always complaining about not having enough time. There is time out there, I just need to realize that achieving my three large goals is not going to happen by April...that's why they are goals for the year!

What Wouldn't Jesus Do?

2009-02-15T21:59:00.002-06:00

Indeed!

Musings About Zombies

2009-02-13T21:25:00.003-06:00

Alright...so I'm waist deep in Zombacolypse! The young adult zombie novel I'm writing.

So far the story goes as thus...

You have a group of high school kids from a Catholic School in Portland, OR. It's summer and their Latin teacher Father Rockford (yes...I know...cool huh?) is taking them on a trip to Rome.

While at the airport they find body bags on the tarmac. The bags are moving - so they go down to stop the beginnings of the zombie invasion.

"How so?" You ask.

Well these kids are not really Latin students...they have been hand picked to be members of a secret society based out of The Vatican called "The Order of Lux Lucis" or "The Order of Daylight". They have been trained to use magic to fight the forces of evil.

So, our little band of students nuke the zombies, but one gets loose. Homeland Security arrests our heroes and while in custody all hell breaks loose.

So you got about thirty pages of them getting out the airport.

Another twenty pages where they call the local Catholic Vampire Hunter (trained trough a different branch at the Vatican) who promptly comes to save them.

Another twenty pages where the zombies attack and they all get separated.

Anyway, these two kids (Randy and Lunchbox) end up with another priest, and they go to this church where Father John thinks they'll be safe.

Problem is, the zombies got there first. Total carnage. The zombies have desecrated the church. The kids ask the priest why the zombies would do such a thing. And Father John says...well, here. Let me just show you...

Randy shrugged, "But can you tell me something Father?"
"I can try."
"Why would they do this," he waved his hand across the room,
encompassing everything with one motion. "I mean, what
exactly did they hope to accomplish?"
"Whether or not you call them zombies or vampires," the priest
said. "They are still just the living dead. And the living dead work
much the same way as demons. They wait for the soul to leave the
body and then they swoop in and take over. In essence you end up
with a corpse that for all practical purposes is alive, but without a
soul."
"That doesn't explain what happened here," Lunchbox interrupted.
"Without a soul you aren't connected to God," Father John turned to
Lunchbox. "Let me ask you. If you were disconnected from God, how
would that make you feel?"
"I think I'd be sad," Lunchbox admitted.
"Naw," Randy looked around the desecrated church. "You'd be

very, very pissed."

Now I don't know why I put this scene in. As a matter of fact I considered cutting the whole thing all together, because it didn't really fit with anything. But I thought it was cool so I kept it.

And then something strange happened.

As the story has progressed, the zombies have been evolving. To make things harder for the main characters I've been making them progressively smarter.

In the last scene I wrote Father Rockford is about to cut a swath through a massive mob of zombies, and then one of them speaks! The evolved zombie asks his help, so they can find out what or who has created them.

You know, when I started writing this book, it was just supposed to be about a bunch of kids with super powers fighting the undead in an abandoned city.

Which by itself would have been pretty cool.

But now it's taken on these huge life, theological, philosophical questions. The scene above now fits in with what the zombies are up to. They are angry at God because they feel abandoned by him.

Now, I've got the military killing them and the kids are beginning to ask if the evolved zombies deserve to live or die. They are beginning to question who the monsters are...the zombies or the military.

And that's what's so cool about writing! This story has begun to take on a much larger life on it's own...it's almost out of my control, and I'm just transcribing at this point.

You know, something just occurred to me! This novel has become MY evolved zombie!

Whoa...

That's pretty deep...

Wombats

2009-02-12T21:06:00.009-06:00

I love Wombats!

I love mother and baby wombats...

I love just baby wombats...

I even love the band The Wombats...

He He He...Wombats...koooool

This Guy Rocks!

2009-02-11T19:49:00.005-06:00

Let's build a funky looking bike that isn't street legal (or probably very safe for that matter) then dress up like a Victorian Undertaker and ride it around the park!

I want to hang with this dude.

No.

Seriously...I really want to hang with this dude!

Musings About Writers

2009-02-10T19:43:00.004-06:00

So due to my current Facebook obsession, I was contacted by a girl I vaguely remember from high school. I accepted her request because she's into vampire/zombie stuff (which makes her cool) and because she got a BFA in poetry from Iowa (which makes her cool and a much better writer than myself...academic-wise and all). So I asked her about Iowa and she tells me how brutal it was. There were only so many graduate slots to fill, so the undergraduates had to do this Thunderdome type thing where they all enter a workshop and only one leaves alive. She talked about the backstabbing, the cut-throat critiques. She talked about how if anyone wrote anything good, it was ripped apart in an attempt to kill the writer's spirit...

Sad...

So that go me thinking. Why is it that Iowa restricted their slots? Since when in our society has being chosen to be among 'the elite' a good thing? See...this is what I think...stay with me here.

1. There is a misconception that there is not enough in our world. Not enough money, not enough energy, not enough love or success. But I think that's all crap. There is more than enough for everyone out there...of everything.

Consider this.

A friend of mine came into the area I supervise the other day and he starts joking with the kids who work under me. Then later he apologizes for stealing my mojo.

My reply, "Buddy, there's enough mojo to go around."

It's like, there was no competition between us in my mind. There really is more than enough love to go around.

You know?

Haven't you ever been in love with someone and then found you 'loved' someone else? Maybe not in a romantic way, and it's not like you loved the first person any less...it's just there is an infinite amount of love out there, so you can love multiple people and still not take anything away from anyone else.

2. OK - so how does this apply to Iowa? Well, I'm assuming they want only the best of the best right? But why make it so selective? Accept everyone! More money rolls in (I have not seen a university yet that doesn't like that) - more people mean more opportunities to get published (which is a pretty good feather in your cap if you're a school who bases your success on published writers).

So you say - "OK Crimson Pig - that's all well and good, but what about all the bad people you let into the school?"

Good point! But I say, if your standards are high enough two things are going to happen. Those who can not cut it will leave. Those who don't start out good writers will rise to the occasion and become good writers. Which leads to success for you and your school!

3. Which brings me to my point!

How many truly great writers have we lost due to the fact that they were 'weeded out' of a college workshop? For that matter, why do they even need to be weeded out?

And you want to know the answer!

Because they'll get the book contract I could have gotten. They'll take my spot or my money or my mojo!

Well, if someone writes a better book than I do, they should get the freakin' contract!

And that's what pisses me off so much. We don't try to become better writers, we take 'our competition' and try to ruin them so our mediocre crap can get published.

You know, people are always bitching that kids don't read today. Kids read. Kids want to read! "Harry Potter" proves that. It's just that we're not turning out anything they want to read, so can you really blame them?

4. Finally, consider this. I write horror stuff. It's what I dig. I subscribe to magazines and read other budding horror writer's work. I support them and they support me. Because there is enough out there...for everyone! Let's encourage those writers. The more of them who pop up, the more magazines they will read. Which will cause more magazines to pop up. Which means more publishing opportunities, which means more opportunities for young writers. Which means more writers pop up. You see how it goes?

Seems simple...huh?

Top Five Reasons Why I Love Being An Episcopalian

2009-02-07T13:35:00.006-06:00

#1. We're Church of England which, by default makes us classy.

As my priest once said, "The Catholics will tell you that you'll go to hell for eating meat on Friday. The Baptists will tell you that you'll go to hell for dancing. The Episcopals will tell you that you'll go to hell for using your salad fork to eat your main course."

#2. Being Church of England, that means when you die you get to go to BRITISH HEAVEN!

#3. We are a progressive church which means we're gay friendly.

It also allows us to have...female priests

#4. Our bishop...The Most Reverend Barry R. Howe... looks alot like Sir Laurence Oliver playing Shylock in The Merchant of Venice

#5. All the cool kids are doing it.

Watch Yourself

2009-02-04T21:06:00.004-06:00

This is an actual sign at the London Zoo. It's up near the bear or tiger cages or something like that. You'll be seeing a lot of these things up when the zombies attack.

By the way...my favorite part of the whole thing is the pinky finger off by itself.

I'm Soooooo Bad

2009-02-03T21:02:00.006-06:00

All right. Due to overwhelming peer pressure from my friends at church I joined Facebook. Now it takes up way - way - way - way too much time. I can now see why teenagers get nothing done.

This is not a good thing. I have fallen behind on stuff that needs to be done. You know, important stuff. Like...

Watching the Rockford Files.

Writing my Zombie Novel.

Trying to get published.

As my friend Marisa said, This Facebook thing is going to end poorly (I'm paraphrasing here).

Oh yeah...

Janurary Update

2009-02-01T17:17:00.003-06:00

As I started re-blogging so late this month there is very little to recap, but I'll do my best.

1. As of right now I am not considering a career change. If my friend Nathan moves and finds me a job working with him, well...just for coolness alone I gotta go with him (he knows the score if he gets a new job he's gotta try like hell to take me with him). However I never did say what my new career choice was going to be. I know it's hard to believe but I considered becoming an Undertaker. They offer classes in Kansas, but the wife-unit and I crunched the numbers and I'd have to go back to school for like two years...and that's a lot of scrilla!

2. Every evening we've been watching "The Rockford Files", an episode a night as we eat. The best part is, I check them out at the library so it costs nothing! We're on season two right now and as the wife-unit said the other day, "This show is actually growing on me." I mean, come on, how couldn't it? Issac Hayes was in the episode last night!

3. I've had a script accepted for an online radio group. Right now they're trying to get the actors together to record the thing. Once it's available for download to your I-pod I'll let you know.

4. The massive stabbing pains behind my forehead abated this morning, and I can talk again so I must be on the mend. The bad news is the wife-unit almost passed out today at church. I brought her home early, feed her soup and Naked "Vit. C Powerboost" (or something like that) and then laid her down, tucked her in and left her. She's been passed out for over four hours now. I'll make her dinner later and then tuck her back in. (I feel a little guilty getting her sick and all).

5. Hot tea sounds good...I think I'll have some here in a moment.

6. My goals get closer to being realized. I discovered something about myself. I push real hard thinking things will happen all at once, then get discouraged and give up when they don't. So now I'm chipping away at these big things daily and guess what? I get closer and closer to realizing my dreams everyday. For example, I weighed on Saturday and I'm down to 195 pounds. Now I'm only fifteen pounds away from my target goal. (I'd say that's a big improvement from when I started)

7. Oh yeah...I told the Bible Quote for masturbation to the wife-unit. After telling me how immature I am, she pointed out there are other quotes in the same book stating how masturbation is wrong....sigh...(you can't win 'em all)

8. Well, as you already know this pig is all about happiness. Happiness for his own little piggy self and happiness for others...this will continue until he dies...but it's gonna be one hell of a ride...

CAN'T WAIT FOR FEBRUARY!!!!

The Five Rules To Being Happy (or happier anyway)...

2009-01-31T11:23:00.001-06:00

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

You Will Go Blind...I Did Until I Needed Glasses

2009-01-30T16:23:00.003-06:00

A Biblical Quote Supporting Masturbation?

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.
-Ecclesiastes 9:10

I'll Let You Be The Judge Good Sir Or Madam!!!

Goals For 2009

2009-01-29T17:25:00.002-06:00

So this pig has set himself some pretty hefty goals. Some are closer to being realized than others.

1. I want to be down to 180 pounds at some point...right now I'm hovering around 197 - so I've still got about twenty pounds to go.

2. I'd like to get my book published...my "Writers Market Guide To Literary Agents" is on it's way - so that's a start.

3. Finally I'd like to reach spiritual enlightenment...hot tea helps - but I'm not going to lie this one is pretty hard.

I'll take any suggestions.

I think you need some hot tea!

2009-01-25T15:54:00.003-06:00

OK - so I planned on telling you about how...oh...I'd say about a month ago I was considering getting into a new job and all. (Which I know is a really, really, really stupid idea with the way the economy is right now)...but all of that seems to have worked itself out.

You see, there are times when I feel very overwhelmed and all and I don't really like my life much. Then it dawned on me that all I needed to do was slow down. I mean just slow myself down.

Let me try to explain. Remember awhile back when we looked at a day in the life of The Crimson Pig to try and figure out where all his time went. Well, I imagine my life is still as complicated, but lately I've worked in time for myself. Almost like Zen-Pig time. Maybe I take a hot bath or lay down for a few minutes to meditate. And low and behold this has changed my life. I mean the stuff I hated about my job still exists, but it all dosn't seem to bother me as much. All the little things that used to get to me just don't seem to matter anymore. And you know what? When you don't have time for a nap or a hot bath...there is really only one answer.

HOT TEA!

As a matter of fact, as I write this blog I am currently listening to Joan Armatrading and sipping a little Ginger Peach Green Tea. It is all a very nice break from revising my zombie novel.

The other day a group of co-workers were late due to the weather. They were all stressing about getting stuff done, and getting the day started on time. Well, Zen Pig kicks in and I sit back in my chair with my cup of hot tea and say:

"I realize for some of you, right now seems as if there is a battle going on for your very soul. However...this should not stop us from enjoying some hot tea."

Words by which I think we can all live.

Sickness Update

2009-01-24T13:30:00.002-06:00

So after my last blog I stumbled off to bed and fell asleep. The next morning I was in no shape to go to work, so I stayed home.

Needless to say when I went back on Friday, things hadn't been screwed up too bad. (I really should not have gone back on Friday...but I survived).

Now, I'm in recovery mode. Blah...

I weighed in this morning at my weight loss place and I'm down another two pounds for the week. The girls said this was good considering how I was sick and all.

I've been working on rewrites of my novel all morning as the cat lay in my lap. (Now she's lying next to me, very slooooooowly licking her back paws...she's a strange little critter my cat.)

Now I'm taking a break from zombie novel and writing my blog.

I'm actually waiting for the wife-unit to come home from the soup kitchen (where she works every Saturday morning - so I can make us lunch and then I'm off the bed again)!!

At least my throat doesn't feel like it's been gone over with a belt-sander anymore.

I'm Back

2009-01-21T20:38:00.002-06:00

According to my friend Nathan...I'm supposed to keep this thing up so he has something to read. So the new goal is to add something at least every Wednesday.

As of now, I'm sick. I don't feel bad...well I'm a little achey. But what really bites is that I've lost my voice.

Do you realize how much you use your voice?

I mean think about it. I can't sing along with my Ipod as I do the dishes (bummer).

I can't talk to the wifeunit about anything (real bummer).

I don't know how I'm going to go to work tomorrow, as what I do consists of me telling a lot of people a lot of information and now I can't do that (....I was going to say bummer...but it wouldn't be if I could take the day off. But trust me, with my job if I take a day off everything is worse when I get back. - So that's the real bummer)!!!!

Speaking of my job...I've been toying with the idea of moving into a different field. I don't feel respected and I'm way- way- way- way- way- underpaid for the amount of hours I put in (but aren't we all?)

Still I'm trying to be Zen Pig and that is helping. Really life is 90% perception I think. Now I know the whole two of you who read this are probably like - duh! Welcome to what everyone else has known for years...but really I mean it. If you think things are out of control just slow down and drink some hot tea...believe it or not this solves a lot of problems...for me anyway.

Speaking of hot tea - the diet continues - I am now down fifty pounds - I don't know what I was down last time I blogged in, but I'm sure this is an improvment. (Twenty left to go!!!)

So that's cool I guess.

I was supposed to be in bed twenty minutes ago (remember I'm sick and all) - I surprised the wifeunit has not come into the office and cracked the whip yet. She's watching some weird Xena show a friend of hers at work loaned her. (I'll make fun of that at a later blogging).

Other things to look forward too-

1. Possible career change ideas - (sadly midget wrestling and rodeo clown are out).

2. What we watch during dinner - (I'll give you a hint...just the coolest television show from the 1970s...and no it's not "Different Strokes" that was the 1980s)

3. More good news from the struggling writer front...I'm making progress...at this rate I'll have reached Moscow by 2011. (For those who are not up on their World War II history...that was a Nazi reference...not that I'm saying I am a Nazi...or that I support Nazis...as a matter of fact I really dislike Nazis...I mean I like the German people...most of them I've met are very polite and kind hearted...but Nazis...well I pretty much hate those bastards...)

...But I digress

October Wrap Up

2008-11-02T19:38:00.002-06:00

Ok - Well, I should have done this on October 31st. But I was busy beating up little kids for their candy. (I might not have actually done that...but I was busy).

So-

1. Well the girl from work who was very annoying at lunch, pretty much leaves me alone. So it's not that bad.

2. No more signs of rats...I did see a squirrel run behind the same bush the other day. I think maybe the wife-unit saw a squirrel, although she denies this. I quote, "I know the difference between a rat and a squirrel."

3. The war continues...but I'm in a better mood to handle it. I suppose that's a good thing as I don't think it ever ends. At least until you die. Then I'm off to Castrovalva - (my version of Heaven).

4. The diet is going well...I've lost fifteen pounds in three weeks. Sometimes it makes me a little crazy...but no pain, no gain right?

5. I'm still busy - but it's getting better.

Anyway - things are looking up. I figure in the next two months I'll-

1. Have lost another 40 pounds.
2. My man Barack will be president.
3. I should have a few more acceptance letters on my submissions (and a few more rejections).
4. Life will be good...

My Worst Enemy

2008-10-27T21:21:00.003-05:00

I just don't know where all my time goes.

It seems that the past few days have been insanely busy. Here is a typical day for me...let's look at today for example and see where all the time went (maybe we can figure this out together).

6:00 AM - Rise and shine
6:00 - 6:20 - Shower and brush teeth
6:20 - 6:30 - Get stuff ready for work (IE - get lunch together, take morning pills, get dressed, put on shoes, feed cat etc.)
6:30 - 6:40 - Drive to work.
6:40 - 7:00 - Breakfast with co-workers in lounge
7:00 - 3:00 - Work, Work, Work
3:00 - 4:15 - Drive around thrift stores looking for some costume I'm supposed to wear tomorrow to raise money for some charity at work tomorrow
4:15 - 4:45 - Weigh in at my weight loss place
4:45 - 5:00 - Collapse on couch
5:00 - 5:30 - Make dinner
5:30 - 6:00 - Eat dinner
6:00 - 8:00 - Finish script I need to have done for tomorrow (still needs to be proofread and sent off - will do tomorrow)
8:00 - 8:30 - Try on costume - I'm going as a pirate.
8:30 - 9:00 - Get breakfast and lunch ready for tomorrow
9:00 - 9:30 - Update blog
9:30- 10:00 - Go to bed.

If I had not gone looking for threads at the thrift store I would have worked out...something I didn't get to do today...I'm sooooo bad.

Anyway...it's almost 9:45 - I've gotta get my ass to bed.

Diet

2008-10-22T17:06:00.003-05:00

I've started a diet. It's pretty hardcore. I'm eating-

1. Lots of fruit
2. Lots and Lots of Vegatables
3. A little bit of chicken, steak, fish
4. Almost no starch
5. No dairy, sugar or salt at all.

It sucks.

The best part is - in eight days I've lost almost nine pounds.

So, let's do the math...

I went in at 250 pounds.

My goal is to weight 180 pounds.

That means I must lose 70 pounds.

I've lost 9 pounds already - which means I still have to loose 61 pounds.

I'm averaging a pound a day...which means...

Two months left to go!

Did I mention this sucks...

This War We Call Life

2008-10-19T21:27:00.009-05:00

On the IPod - Eric Serra
In the Mug - "Tension Tamer" Organic Tea

On the Body - My favorite bowling shirt - Light blue, with a wide ivory stripe down the middle. Heavy, soft and the best part "Made in Egypt" (I can't make this stuff up)

So everything should be going well for me, right?

I mean, I just started this diet and in the first week I've already lost over seven pounds.

I just had a short story accepted to an on-line magazine (no payment...but so what)!

Life should be good huh?

Instead I'm all stressed out and depressed.

I think the problem is, I'm just tired of fighting. I mean, it seems like everything a do is a battle, large or small...and most of the time small...but still a battle none the less.

I feel like I fight everything-

1. My weight

2. My wife

3. The people at work

4. The traffic - (the worst part about this is at the grocery store...today a guy literally pushed me out of the way to get at the celery - can you believe it! The F***in' celery!)

5. Exhaustion

6. Time (This is the big one)

I guess the reason I feel this way is mostly because the wife-unit and I got into today. The diet has only been going on for about a week and at first she was very supportive and all telling me how proud she was of me and all. Then today, BAM! I get all this crap from her about how I'm inconsiderate, how I never supported her on her diet four years ago, etc.

I mean, I know this has been a huge life style change, and I can't say I'm very good at it right now - as I'm still getting used to the whole program...but jeez - cut a brother a break.

Anyway, when your best friend isn't behind you - particularly on something that isn't exactly easy...well - it can get to you.

Sigh.

I just don't want to fight anymore...I don't want to fight all those small battles that make up life. Right before I go to bed I visualize myself in this make believe world called "Castrovalva"

Which I wish I could say I came up with myself...but it's based off a "Doctor Who" Episode

Then come to find out, the episode is based off the MC Escher print of the same name.

Which in turn, come to find out...is a drawing of an actual place Escher visited back in the 1930s.

But in my world of Castrovalva, I get to sleep in and I'm waited on by beautiful, buxom women who bring me cold pitchers of wine, lemonade, soda...whatever I want. I meet with the King and Queen who honor me as the wise and powerful person I am. I am treated as a guest, and get to spend most of my time lying in the sun on a mosaic patio as children run past me laughing and playing. The women sing loud, joyful songs as they do their wash. The library contains every book ever written and no one is cruel, for they have no need to be, because no one is hungry, or lonely, or sad. Love is encouraged - not discouraged in the name of religion. As a matter of fact, if there is a religion in MY Castrovalva - it has no problem with other religions, it has no problem with questions or the desire to seek knowledge - it allows people to develop at their own pace...and if they don't believe exactly what you believe that's alright. I don't know...I think it's how I see Heaven...

I wish I was in Castrovalva right now.

RATS!!!

2008-10-12T17:42:00.004-05:00

So I'm minding my own business, as the wife-unit has left to go see a friend of hers. Anyway she comes back in five minutes later saying she just saw a mouse or a rat (she can't tell which), run behind a bush. So being the type of person I am, I go down there and start squirting the bush with a hose and smacking it with a broom while my wife looks on in bemused sympathy for my stupidity. So here I am jumping around smacking some bush with a broom, when my neighbor Eric pulls up. He gets out of his jeep and now he's standing there watching me attack this bush with a broom. So does the wife explain what it is I'm trying to do, before he turns around and goes inside? Of course not! (Sigh)...makes me look like a real tosser if you ask me.

Lunchtime Madness

2008-10-06T20:23:00.002-05:00

So we had a training day at work today - which of course meant HALF-DAY!!!!!

One of the guys I trained last year was there, and I never get to see my friend, so we went to lunch together. Him, me, the two regulars Doug and Eeyore (a nickname - but trust me if you met the guy it fits) and Ron (who is the coolest guy I've ever met...he's like 1950s cool and he speaks French...travels to France, etc. - so really he's 1950s French cool - which let's face it, is the coolest ever). Alright, so we're all getting ready to go to lunch, when the girl across the hall from me asks if she can go. (To protect the innocent we'll call her El Gato as we went out for Mexican and I assigned everyone a Mexican nickname and that was her nickname).

Now no one wanted her to go, as she is very, very, very annoying. But, being the nice guy that I am - I told them, I can't not invite her now that she's asked. (I know I'm a passive aggressive wimp). So I told her she could go, and this is what happened...

1. She asks if we really want her to go, or if I just feel guilty for her inviting herself. I then have to convince her she's loved. (Annoying)

2. She insists we all ride with her, which was fine with me - saves on gas, saves the environment, etc. But the whole ride she talks LOUDLY about herself the whole time (Very annoying)

3. We get there and all she wants to do is tell all of us why Obama is evil and why the liberals are ruining America (Are you f**king kidding me!!!!) - (Not just annoying, but also kinda stupid)

4. So - and this should give you an idea of what we had to deal with. I try to lighten the mood and change the subject by giving everyone Mexican nicknames - My mente Nathan was El Chaqueta, Doug - El Pollo Loco, Eeyore was - El Pantalones, Ron was - El Matador and I was El Toro Diablo and Annoying Girl was El Gato. She then proceeds to LOUDLY ask as we sit in the restaurant, "WHY IS MY NICKNAME 'PUSSY'!" Of course no one responds (as we are all passive aggressive men) which causes her to keep repeating it louder and louder.

Suffice it to say the meal could have been better. The only cool part was when El Gato was lecturing us on why Fascism is so good.

El Gato - "At least Hitler made the trains run on time!"
Ron (El Matador) Said in a snide tone of voice - "Of course he did...it got the Jews out of the country faster."

Everyone laughed, except El Gato who thought he was being rude....

Clearly she missed the point.

Updates For September

2008-09-28T17:07:00.001-05:00

Ok - here is an update dealing with the various topics for September.

1. My ushanka finally arrived (the Russian mob did not steal my money - yea!)

2. I have not had any vegetables thrown at me. (Or for that matter I have not throw vegetables at anyone...it really is a lost art form).

3. Mystery! is back on the air tonight (callou, callay oh frabulous day!)

4. I have not seen God in person yet (I will update if this changes)

5. I have not seen the most recent episode of "The Weekend Guy" (No real loss there)

6. My wife is still kick-ass, however at this very moment she is crabby and avoiding me by lying in the other room reading a Neil Gaiman book (it could be worse, right?)

See you in October!

The Best Wife Ever

2008-09-25T18:07:00.005-05:00

So after a week of being as sick as a dog, I came home the other night to find a present sitting on top of my laptop. It wasn't my birthday or Christmas...hell it wasn't even Kwanza and here I got a present.

She got me the first three issues of "Bone!"

I'm so excited! Anyway within three days I had re-read all of them.

Now all I've got to do is get the next three issues.

Anyway, one of the girls from work loaned me the book "The Looking Glass Wars" - which is based on the life of Lewis Carrol and his writing of "Alice In Wonderland". My gift of "Bone!" has cut into my reading time, so I feel bad. The girl who loaned me the book said she read it in one night and it's taken me almost four weeks to get halfway through it.

It's not a bad read though. I don't know if I'd recommend it, but if I saw you reading it I don't think I'd judge you.

My New Favorite TV Show

2008-09-20T21:58:00.003-05:00

Ok - so the wife-unit went up and bought a couple of converter boxes for our television in preparation for The New World Order's mandatory "update" of all televisions to High Definition. So got our coupons from the government, spent money we shouldn't have really had to spend and now we're updated.

So here's the deal.

1. Yes the channels are clearer (for the most part).

2. Sometimes channels don't really come in at all (they break up - like when you're trying to watch Dish Television when it rains).

But...(and this is the best part)

3. We get extra channels!!! (Probably not that big of a deal for most of you - but when the wife-unit says I don't get to have cable because it's a luxury we can't afford - extra channels is huge!)

We get this channel called "ION Life" and one day my wife says I should watch this guy who does stuff like kayaking or cleaning his grill when not making crap out of antlers for his cabin. She says she thinks he might be gay - which just makes the show cooler.

It's called "The Weekend Guy" and here is the official website -
http://www.weekendguy.com/index.html

Turns out he's not gay...he's just Canadian.

I don't know why the show fascinates me. He doesn't really do much and his show is pretty far down on the production values, but he has this sincerity that just shines through. It's like watching a kid in a school production, where they might not be the best kid, but they don't know that and because they're just having a damn good time that makes them the coolest kid to watch.

So, all I've got to say is keep up the work Weekend Guy!

The Face of God

2008-09-17T16:32:00.006-05:00

The place I work tends to be filled with a lot of people much younger than myself. The other day a girl who must be at least half my age asked me what I thought God looked like.

Now I wish I was enlightened enough to think God looks like as woman...such as Alanis Morissette in the movie Dogma.

Or even somewhat enlightened to think that God is black...like Morgan Freeman in the movie Bruce Almighty.

Hell, I'd be happy to tell you that I think God is Jewish...like George Burns in the movie Oh God!

But no. You see when I think of God...I think of the old, white British guy from the movie Time Bandits.

"I am the Supreme Being — I'm not entirely dim."

I dunno...maybe it's because I belong to The Church of England, maybe it's because I'm white, maybe it's because I'm a moron.

In the end it's probably all of the above.

No Mystery! and No Beer Make Crimson Pig Go Crazy!

2008-09-14T17:02:00.000-05:00

So here's my problem. Every Sunday for about three months out the year PBS shows the fantastic series Mystery! (While for the other nine months of the year they show some Jane Austen dreck). But around the time of year, if only for a brief time, my life is filled with joy.

Here is a typical Sunday for me.

1. Go to church and swing the thurable. (IE - Giant brass pot filled with incense).

2. Come home and clean the place up. (Nothing makes Mystery! more enjoyable than watching it in a clean house).

3. Go to the grocery store and stock up on provisions. (Food of course for the week, but also my little gift to myself - a four pack of Virgils Root Beer).

4. Make dinner and wait for Mystery! to come on.

As I don't drink I pop open one of the previously mentioned bottles of root beer and settle in for some prime British detective work. During my show there are some ground rules.

1. Don't call me (I don't answer the phone)

2. Don't stop by (I won't answer the door)

3. Don't talk to me (this one only really applies to my wife - who doesn't acknowledge my right to lay down any sort of rules in the house - however she has learned that if she wants to talk about the bills or plumbing I will only answer with monosyllabic grunts - so she has in effect learned to leave me alone for an hour and a half).

But, due to the pledge drive that seems to have been going on for the past eon, there has been no Mystery! as of late.

Last week, the wife-unit suggested that I watch old episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents on a wonderful little sight called Hulu.

http://www.hulu.com/

In the end that's what I ended up doing and was placated for a bit. But the question tonight is...what shall the Crimson Pig do now? As much as I love the master Mr. Hitchcock, I'm not sure his television show will be a proper replacement for two weeks in a row.

Oh what, oh what is a pig to do?

Vegetable Throwing A Lost Art

2008-09-10T16:09:00.000-05:00

How come when we see something we don't like someone or something we no longer throw fruit and vegetables at them/it. You know when you see a vaudeville act in the movies and the crowd gets annoyed they begin to pelt the offender with tomatoes and cabbage.

I suppose it's because we're more evolved. I mean no matter how much you may hate him it's pretty class-less to smack John McCain on the top of his bald head with a rotting grapefruit.

Still, I would love to see someone with not much class to begin with (IE - Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love) get slimed with something that looks like pre-V8 ooze.

Where is my friggin' Ushanka

2008-09-08T16:51:00.000-05:00

Ok - so for my birthday my wife said to order myself something. As the Farmer's Almanac is predicting that this winter is going to be (and I'm quoting here) "dangerously cold" - I decided it was time to get a Ushanka.

For those of you who don't know what a Ushanka is, well - it's a furry Russian hat like Sean Connery wore in "The Hunt for Red October". It's like a rabbit squatting on your head - oh hell, why don't I just show you.

Anyway, I ordered my Ushanka from an online web store called Russian-Ushanka.com over three weeks ago and I still have not received my friggin' ushanka. So I emailed them a nasty note asking just what in the Hell was going on, but nothing yet.

So I figure I'm either dealing with a bunch of drunk idiots in Kiev or the Russian Mob just took me for some serious cash.

Seriously...

The Mother Ship Has Landed

2008-09-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

Based on the urging of a friend I have now begun blogging. I am currently taking bets on how long it will take before I give up on the damn thing! Word.