Updates For September

Ok - here is an update dealing with the various topics for September.

1. My ushanka finally arrived (the Russian mob did not steal my money - yea!)

2. I have not had any vegetables thrown at me. (Or for that matter I have not throw vegetables at anyone...it really is a lost art form).

3. Mystery! is back on the air tonight (callou, callay oh frabulous day!)

4. I have not seen God in person yet (I will update if this changes)

5. I have not seen the most recent episode of "The Weekend Guy" (No real loss there)

6. My wife is still kick-ass, however at this very moment she is crabby and avoiding me by lying in the other room reading a Neil Gaiman book (it could be worse, right?)

See you in October!

The Best Wife Ever

So after a week of being as sick as a dog, I came home the other night to find a present sitting on top of my laptop. It wasn't my birthday or Christmas...hell it wasn't even Kwanza and here I got a present.

She got me the first three issues of "Bone!"

I'm so excited! Anyway within three days I had re-read all of them.

Now all I've got to do is get the next three issues.

Anyway, one of the girls from work loaned me the book "The Looking Glass Wars" - which is based on the life of Lewis Carrol and his writing of "Alice In Wonderland". My gift of "Bone!" has cut into my reading time, so I feel bad. The girl who loaned me the book said she read it in one night and it's taken me almost four weeks to get halfway through it.

It's not a bad read though. I don't know if I'd recommend it, but if I saw you reading it I don't think I'd judge you.

My New Favorite TV Show

Ok - so the wife-unit went up and bought a couple of converter boxes for our television in preparation for The New World Order's mandatory "update" of all televisions to High Definition. So got our coupons from the government, spent money we shouldn't have really had to spend and now we're updated.

So here's the deal.

1. Yes the channels are clearer (for the most part).

2. Sometimes channels don't really come in at all (they break up - like when you're trying to watch Dish Television when it rains).

But...(and this is the best part)

3. We get extra channels!!! (Probably not that big of a deal for most of you - but when the wife-unit says I don't get to have cable because it's a luxury we can't afford - extra channels is huge!)

We get this channel called "ION Life" and one day my wife says I should watch this guy who does stuff like kayaking or cleaning his grill when not making crap out of antlers for his cabin. She says she thinks he might be gay - which just makes the show cooler.

It's called "The Weekend Guy" and here is the official website -
http://www.weekendguy.com/index.html

Turns out he's not gay...he's just Canadian.

I don't know why the show fascinates me. He doesn't really do much and his show is pretty far down on the production values, but he has this sincerity that just shines through. It's like watching a kid in a school production, where they might not be the best kid, but they don't know that and because they're just having a damn good time that makes them the coolest kid to watch.

So, all I've got to say is keep up the work Weekend Guy!

The Face of God

The place I work tends to be filled with a lot of people much younger than myself. The other day a girl who must be at least half my age asked me what I thought God looked like.

Now I wish I was enlightened enough to think God looks like as woman...such as Alanis Morissette in the movie Dogma.

Or even somewhat enlightened to think that God is black...like Morgan Freeman in the movie Bruce Almighty.

Hell, I'd be happy to tell you that I think God is Jewish...like George Burns in the movie Oh God!

But no. You see when I think of God...I think of the old, white British guy from the movie Time Bandits.

"I am the Supreme Being — I'm not entirely dim."

I dunno...maybe it's because I belong to The Church of England, maybe it's because I'm white, maybe it's because I'm a moron.

In the end it's probably all of the above.

No Mystery! and No Beer Make Crimson Pig Go Crazy!

So here's my problem. Every Sunday for about three months out the year PBS shows the fantastic series Mystery! (While for the other nine months of the year they show some Jane Austen dreck). But around the time of year, if only for a brief time, my life is filled with joy.

Here is a typical Sunday for me.

1. Go to church and swing the thurable. (IE - Giant brass pot filled with incense).

2. Come home and clean the place up. (Nothing makes Mystery! more enjoyable than watching it in a clean house).

3. Go to the grocery store and stock up on provisions. (Food of course for the week, but also my little gift to myself - a four pack of Virgils Root Beer).

4. Make dinner and wait for Mystery! to come on.

As I don't drink I pop open one of the previously mentioned bottles of root beer and settle in for some prime British detective work. During my show there are some ground rules.

1. Don't call me (I don't answer the phone)

2. Don't stop by (I won't answer the door)

3. Don't talk to me (this one only really applies to my wife - who doesn't acknowledge my right to lay down any sort of rules in the house - however she has learned that if she wants to talk about the bills or plumbing I will only answer with monosyllabic grunts - so she has in effect learned to leave me alone for an hour and a half).

But, due to the pledge drive that seems to have been going on for the past eon, there has been no Mystery! as of late.

Last week, the wife-unit suggested that I watch old episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents on a wonderful little sight called Hulu.

http://www.hulu.com/

In the end that's what I ended up doing and was placated for a bit. But the question tonight is...what shall the Crimson Pig do now? As much as I love the master Mr. Hitchcock, I'm not sure his television show will be a proper replacement for two weeks in a row.

Oh what, oh what is a pig to do?

Vegetable Throwing A Lost Art

How come when we see something we don't like someone or something we no longer throw fruit and vegetables at them/it. You know when you see a vaudeville act in the movies and the crowd gets annoyed they begin to pelt the offender with tomatoes and cabbage.

I suppose it's because we're more evolved. I mean no matter how much you may hate him it's pretty class-less to smack John McCain on the top of his bald head with a rotting grapefruit.

Still, I would love to see someone with not much class to begin with (IE - Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love) get slimed with something that looks like pre-V8 ooze.

Where is my friggin' Ushanka

Ok - so for my birthday my wife said to order myself something. As the Farmer's Almanac is predicting that this winter is going to be (and I'm quoting here) "dangerously cold" - I decided it was time to get a Ushanka.

For those of you who don't know what a Ushanka is, well - it's a furry Russian hat like Sean Connery wore in "The Hunt for Red October". It's like a rabbit squatting on your head - oh hell, why don't I just show you.

Anyway, I ordered my Ushanka from an online web store called Russian-Ushanka.com over three weeks ago and I still have not received my friggin' ushanka. So I emailed them a nasty note asking just what in the Hell was going on, but nothing yet.

So I figure I'm either dealing with a bunch of drunk idiots in Kiev or the Russian Mob just took me for some serious cash.

Seriously...

The Mother Ship Has Landed

Based on the urging of a friend I have now begun blogging. I am currently taking bets on how long it will take before I give up on the damn thing! Word.