October Wrap Up

Ok - Well, I should have done this on October 31st. But I was busy beating up little kids for their candy. (I might not have actually done that...but I was busy).

So-

1. Well the girl from work who was very annoying at lunch, pretty much leaves me alone. So it's not that bad.

2. No more signs of rats...I did see a squirrel run behind the same bush the other day. I think maybe the wife-unit saw a squirrel, although she denies this. I quote, "I know the difference between a rat and a squirrel."

3. The war continues...but I'm in a better mood to handle it. I suppose that's a good thing as I don't think it ever ends. At least until you die. Then I'm off to Castrovalva - (my version of Heaven).

4. The diet is going well...I've lost fifteen pounds in three weeks. Sometimes it makes me a little crazy...but no pain, no gain right?

5. I'm still busy - but it's getting better.

Anyway - things are looking up. I figure in the next two months I'll-

1. Have lost another 40 pounds.
2. My man Barack will be president.
3. I should have a few more acceptance letters on my submissions (and a few more rejections).
4. Life will be good...

My Worst Enemy

I just don't know where all my time goes.

It seems that the past few days have been insanely busy. Here is a typical day for me...let's look at today for example and see where all the time went (maybe we can figure this out together).

6:00 AM - Rise and shine
6:00 - 6:20 - Shower and brush teeth
6:20 - 6:30 - Get stuff ready for work (IE - get lunch together, take morning pills, get dressed, put on shoes, feed cat etc.)
6:30 - 6:40 - Drive to work.
6:40 - 7:00 - Breakfast with co-workers in lounge
7:00 - 3:00 - Work, Work, Work
3:00 - 4:15 - Drive around thrift stores looking for some costume I'm supposed to wear tomorrow to raise money for some charity at work tomorrow
4:15 - 4:45 - Weigh in at my weight loss place
4:45 - 5:00 - Collapse on couch
5:00 - 5:30 - Make dinner
5:30 - 6:00 - Eat dinner
6:00 - 8:00 - Finish script I need to have done for tomorrow (still needs to be proofread and sent off - will do tomorrow)
8:00 - 8:30 - Try on costume - I'm going as a pirate.
8:30 - 9:00 - Get breakfast and lunch ready for tomorrow
9:00 - 9:30 - Update blog
9:30- 10:00 - Go to bed.

If I had not gone looking for threads at the thrift store I would have worked out...something I didn't get to do today...I'm sooooo bad.

Anyway...it's almost 9:45 - I've gotta get my ass to bed.

Diet

I've started a diet. It's pretty hardcore. I'm eating-

1. Lots of fruit
2. Lots and Lots of Vegatables
3. A little bit of chicken, steak, fish
4. Almost no starch
5. No dairy, sugar or salt at all.

It sucks.

The best part is - in eight days I've lost almost nine pounds.

So, let's do the math...

I went in at 250 pounds.

My goal is to weight 180 pounds.

That means I must lose 70 pounds.

I've lost 9 pounds already - which means I still have to loose 61 pounds.

I'm averaging a pound a day...which means...

Two months left to go!

Did I mention this sucks...

This War We Call Life

On the IPod - Eric Serra
In the Mug - "Tension Tamer" Organic Tea

On the Body - My favorite bowling shirt - Light blue, with a wide ivory stripe down the middle. Heavy, soft and the best part "Made in Egypt" (I can't make this stuff up)

So everything should be going well for me, right?

I mean, I just started this diet and in the first week I've already lost over seven pounds.

I just had a short story accepted to an on-line magazine (no payment...but so what)!

Life should be good huh?

Instead I'm all stressed out and depressed.

I think the problem is, I'm just tired of fighting. I mean, it seems like everything a do is a battle, large or small...and most of the time small...but still a battle none the less.

I feel like I fight everything-

1. My weight

2. My wife

3. The people at work

4. The traffic - (the worst part about this is at the grocery store...today a guy literally pushed me out of the way to get at the celery - can you believe it! The F***in' celery!)

5. Exhaustion

6. Time (This is the big one)

I guess the reason I feel this way is mostly because the wife-unit and I got into today. The diet has only been going on for about a week and at first she was very supportive and all telling me how proud she was of me and all. Then today, BAM! I get all this crap from her about how I'm inconsiderate, how I never supported her on her diet four years ago, etc.

I mean, I know this has been a huge life style change, and I can't say I'm very good at it right now - as I'm still getting used to the whole program...but jeez - cut a brother a break.

Anyway, when your best friend isn't behind you - particularly on something that isn't exactly easy...well - it can get to you.

Sigh.

I just don't want to fight anymore...I don't want to fight all those small battles that make up life. Right before I go to bed I visualize myself in this make believe world called "Castrovalva"

Which I wish I could say I came up with myself...but it's based off a "Doctor Who" Episode

Then come to find out, the episode is based off the MC Escher print of the same name.

Which in turn, come to find out...is a drawing of an actual place Escher visited back in the 1930s.

But in my world of Castrovalva, I get to sleep in and I'm waited on by beautiful, buxom women who bring me cold pitchers of wine, lemonade, soda...whatever I want. I meet with the King and Queen who honor me as the wise and powerful person I am. I am treated as a guest, and get to spend most of my time lying in the sun on a mosaic patio as children run past me laughing and playing. The women sing loud, joyful songs as they do their wash. The library contains every book ever written and no one is cruel, for they have no need to be, because no one is hungry, or lonely, or sad. Love is encouraged - not discouraged in the name of religion. As a matter of fact, if there is a religion in MY Castrovalva - it has no problem with other religions, it has no problem with questions or the desire to seek knowledge - it allows people to develop at their own pace...and if they don't believe exactly what you believe that's alright. I don't know...I think it's how I see Heaven...

I wish I was in Castrovalva right now.

RATS!!!

So I'm minding my own business, as the wife-unit has left to go see a friend of hers. Anyway she comes back in five minutes later saying she just saw a mouse or a rat (she can't tell which), run behind a bush. So being the type of person I am, I go down there and start squirting the bush with a hose and smacking it with a broom while my wife looks on in bemused sympathy for my stupidity. So here I am jumping around smacking some bush with a broom, when my neighbor Eric pulls up. He gets out of his jeep and now he's standing there watching me attack this bush with a broom. So does the wife explain what it is I'm trying to do, before he turns around and goes inside? Of course not! (Sigh)...makes me look like a real tosser if you ask me.

Lunchtime Madness

So we had a training day at work today - which of course meant HALF-DAY!!!!!

One of the guys I trained last year was there, and I never get to see my friend, so we went to lunch together. Him, me, the two regulars Doug and Eeyore (a nickname - but trust me if you met the guy it fits) and Ron (who is the coolest guy I've ever met...he's like 1950s cool and he speaks French...travels to France, etc. - so really he's 1950s French cool - which let's face it, is the coolest ever). Alright, so we're all getting ready to go to lunch, when the girl across the hall from me asks if she can go. (To protect the innocent we'll call her El Gato as we went out for Mexican and I assigned everyone a Mexican nickname and that was her nickname).

Now no one wanted her to go, as she is very, very, very annoying. But, being the nice guy that I am - I told them, I can't not invite her now that she's asked. (I know I'm a passive aggressive wimp). So I told her she could go, and this is what happened...

1. She asks if we really want her to go, or if I just feel guilty for her inviting herself. I then have to convince her she's loved. (Annoying)

2. She insists we all ride with her, which was fine with me - saves on gas, saves the environment, etc. But the whole ride she talks LOUDLY about herself the whole time (Very annoying)

3. We get there and all she wants to do is tell all of us why Obama is evil and why the liberals are ruining America (Are you f**king kidding me!!!!) - (Not just annoying, but also kinda stupid)

4. So - and this should give you an idea of what we had to deal with. I try to lighten the mood and change the subject by giving everyone Mexican nicknames - My mente Nathan was El Chaqueta, Doug - El Pollo Loco, Eeyore was - El Pantalones, Ron was - El Matador and I was El Toro Diablo and Annoying Girl was El Gato. She then proceeds to LOUDLY ask as we sit in the restaurant, "WHY IS MY NICKNAME 'PUSSY'!" Of course no one responds (as we are all passive aggressive men) which causes her to keep repeating it louder and louder.

Suffice it to say the meal could have been better. The only cool part was when El Gato was lecturing us on why Fascism is so good.

El Gato - "At least Hitler made the trains run on time!"
Ron (El Matador) Said in a snide tone of voice - "Of course he did...it got the Jews out of the country faster."

Everyone laughed, except El Gato who thought he was being rude....

Clearly she missed the point.

Updates For September

Ok - here is an update dealing with the various topics for September.

1. My ushanka finally arrived (the Russian mob did not steal my money - yea!)

2. I have not had any vegetables thrown at me. (Or for that matter I have not throw vegetables at anyone...it really is a lost art form).

3. Mystery! is back on the air tonight (callou, callay oh frabulous day!)

4. I have not seen God in person yet (I will update if this changes)

5. I have not seen the most recent episode of "The Weekend Guy" (No real loss there)

6. My wife is still kick-ass, however at this very moment she is crabby and avoiding me by lying in the other room reading a Neil Gaiman book (it could be worse, right?)

See you in October!

The Best Wife Ever

So after a week of being as sick as a dog, I came home the other night to find a present sitting on top of my laptop. It wasn't my birthday or Christmas...hell it wasn't even Kwanza and here I got a present.

She got me the first three issues of "Bone!"

I'm so excited! Anyway within three days I had re-read all of them.

Now all I've got to do is get the next three issues.

Anyway, one of the girls from work loaned me the book "The Looking Glass Wars" - which is based on the life of Lewis Carrol and his writing of "Alice In Wonderland". My gift of "Bone!" has cut into my reading time, so I feel bad. The girl who loaned me the book said she read it in one night and it's taken me almost four weeks to get halfway through it.

It's not a bad read though. I don't know if I'd recommend it, but if I saw you reading it I don't think I'd judge you.

My New Favorite TV Show

Ok - so the wife-unit went up and bought a couple of converter boxes for our television in preparation for The New World Order's mandatory "update" of all televisions to High Definition. So got our coupons from the government, spent money we shouldn't have really had to spend and now we're updated.

So here's the deal.

1. Yes the channels are clearer (for the most part).

2. Sometimes channels don't really come in at all (they break up - like when you're trying to watch Dish Television when it rains).

But...(and this is the best part)

3. We get extra channels!!! (Probably not that big of a deal for most of you - but when the wife-unit says I don't get to have cable because it's a luxury we can't afford - extra channels is huge!)

We get this channel called "ION Life" and one day my wife says I should watch this guy who does stuff like kayaking or cleaning his grill when not making crap out of antlers for his cabin. She says she thinks he might be gay - which just makes the show cooler.

It's called "The Weekend Guy" and here is the official website -
http://www.weekendguy.com/index.html

Turns out he's not gay...he's just Canadian.

I don't know why the show fascinates me. He doesn't really do much and his show is pretty far down on the production values, but he has this sincerity that just shines through. It's like watching a kid in a school production, where they might not be the best kid, but they don't know that and because they're just having a damn good time that makes them the coolest kid to watch.

So, all I've got to say is keep up the work Weekend Guy!

The Face of God

The place I work tends to be filled with a lot of people much younger than myself. The other day a girl who must be at least half my age asked me what I thought God looked like.

Now I wish I was enlightened enough to think God looks like as woman...such as Alanis Morissette in the movie Dogma.

Or even somewhat enlightened to think that God is black...like Morgan Freeman in the movie Bruce Almighty.

Hell, I'd be happy to tell you that I think God is Jewish...like George Burns in the movie Oh God!

But no. You see when I think of God...I think of the old, white British guy from the movie Time Bandits.

"I am the Supreme Being — I'm not entirely dim."

I dunno...maybe it's because I belong to The Church of England, maybe it's because I'm white, maybe it's because I'm a moron.

In the end it's probably all of the above.

No Mystery! and No Beer Make Crimson Pig Go Crazy!

So here's my problem. Every Sunday for about three months out the year PBS shows the fantastic series Mystery! (While for the other nine months of the year they show some Jane Austen dreck). But around the time of year, if only for a brief time, my life is filled with joy.

Here is a typical Sunday for me.

1. Go to church and swing the thurable. (IE - Giant brass pot filled with incense).

2. Come home and clean the place up. (Nothing makes Mystery! more enjoyable than watching it in a clean house).

3. Go to the grocery store and stock up on provisions. (Food of course for the week, but also my little gift to myself - a four pack of Virgils Root Beer).

4. Make dinner and wait for Mystery! to come on.

As I don't drink I pop open one of the previously mentioned bottles of root beer and settle in for some prime British detective work. During my show there are some ground rules.

1. Don't call me (I don't answer the phone)

2. Don't stop by (I won't answer the door)

3. Don't talk to me (this one only really applies to my wife - who doesn't acknowledge my right to lay down any sort of rules in the house - however she has learned that if she wants to talk about the bills or plumbing I will only answer with monosyllabic grunts - so she has in effect learned to leave me alone for an hour and a half).

But, due to the pledge drive that seems to have been going on for the past eon, there has been no Mystery! as of late.

Last week, the wife-unit suggested that I watch old episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents on a wonderful little sight called Hulu.

http://www.hulu.com/

In the end that's what I ended up doing and was placated for a bit. But the question tonight is...what shall the Crimson Pig do now? As much as I love the master Mr. Hitchcock, I'm not sure his television show will be a proper replacement for two weeks in a row.

Oh what, oh what is a pig to do?

Vegetable Throwing A Lost Art

How come when we see something we don't like someone or something we no longer throw fruit and vegetables at them/it. You know when you see a vaudeville act in the movies and the crowd gets annoyed they begin to pelt the offender with tomatoes and cabbage.

I suppose it's because we're more evolved. I mean no matter how much you may hate him it's pretty class-less to smack John McCain on the top of his bald head with a rotting grapefruit.

Still, I would love to see someone with not much class to begin with (IE - Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love) get slimed with something that looks like pre-V8 ooze.

Where is my friggin' Ushanka

Ok - so for my birthday my wife said to order myself something. As the Farmer's Almanac is predicting that this winter is going to be (and I'm quoting here) "dangerously cold" - I decided it was time to get a Ushanka.

For those of you who don't know what a Ushanka is, well - it's a furry Russian hat like Sean Connery wore in "The Hunt for Red October". It's like a rabbit squatting on your head - oh hell, why don't I just show you.

Anyway, I ordered my Ushanka from an online web store called Russian-Ushanka.com over three weeks ago and I still have not received my friggin' ushanka. So I emailed them a nasty note asking just what in the Hell was going on, but nothing yet.

So I figure I'm either dealing with a bunch of drunk idiots in Kiev or the Russian Mob just took me for some serious cash.

Seriously...

The Mother Ship Has Landed

Based on the urging of a friend I have now begun blogging. I am currently taking bets on how long it will take before I give up on the damn thing! Word.